Dizzy
by Hawk Clowd
Summary: A year after having officially met Sakuma Ryuichi, Tatsuha returns to Tokyo to give his relationship with the rockstar a second chance. Sequel to Spin.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Dizzy

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** So far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

**Blood Type:** Something flammable -- times two! -- simply because you could light a match and both Ryuichi and Tatsuha would be on fire.

**Warnings:** Very few.

**Part:** One

**Author's Note:** So here we are again, dabbling in the lives of Tatsuha, Eiri, Shuichi, Ryuichi, and the rest of the gang. What do you suppose they've been up to since "Spin" ended? (Not much, probably.) Ah, well. Okay, I'm going to be frank with you all right now: the beginning of this story is, in my opinion, very weak. I've written and re-written it at least three times now and I just can't seem to get it right (In my defense, I normally don't write sequels; this is actually the first one I've ever written.), but I have been told by Aja, who kindly agreed to beta this monster for me, that it's not as bad as I think it is. In any case, I promise that the story gets better later on, so... Please enjoy it and stick with me just a little longer. I hope it's just as good as the first one.

---

Ever since he had, at the age of four, heard his first Nittle Grasper song, Tatsuha had been obsessed with Sakuma Ryuichi. Once he had discovered that he possessed hormones, Tatsuha had started to dream up over a thousand and two different ways through which he and Sakuma Ryuichi could meet and become lovers. He had imagined phoning the radio station to win a date with the singer during which, upon meeting, Sakuma Ryuichi would find him irresistible and they would make out on the floor of a limo. He had fantasized about meeting Sakuma Ryuichi in the Laundromat while they were both mysteriously half-clothed and then going to one of the more private, dark corners to indulge themselves. Heck, he had imagined being cast into one of Nittle Grasper's music videos and later following Sakuma Ryuichi into one of the empty rooms in the studio. Once, he had even indulged the idea of Shuichi -- his elder brother's boyfriend -- becoming friends with Sakuma Ryuichi while Tatsuha was staying in their apartment.

When that one had actually happened the summer before, Tatsuha had felt the need to continuously pinch himself just to make sure he wasn't still dreaming.

In the end, of course, things had gone terribly wrong. A night of passion with Sakuma Ryuichi had turned out to be more trouble than it was worth and both of the parties involved had worried over the events for several weeks before they finally confronted one another in the Shinkansen station. They had agreed it would be better to postpone their relationship, such as it was, and grow up a little before they delved into what they could possibly have with one another. Tatsuha had grudgingly stepped aside and let his dreams of meeting and loving Sakuma Ryuichi take a backseat to his need to mature and achieve a few things on his own.

A year had passed. Over the course of that year, Tatsuha had both regretted and been grateful for his decision. Sometimes he had stayed up nights wondering what would have happened had he taken the other choice -- if he had gone with Ryuichi at the station instead of going home to Kyoto. He often wondered if he had done the right thing. It was the mature thing, yes, but would his decision doom him to an unhappy future?

Today was Tatsuha's high school graduation and, for probably the first time since he had left Sakuma Ryuichi at the train station, Tatsuha was one hundred percent glad he had made the decision he did.

Glad, but bored. Really, really bored. The graduation ceremony took far too long -- and it wasn't like there was anything exciting going on. All these stupid graduations were just the same. The audience assembled. An awed hush fell over the crowd as the graduates paraded into the auditorium. The school played the national anthem. All of the students sang the school song, whether they wanted to or not. Parents started fighting over the perfect camera spot and some complained loudly that some other person's head was n the way of their shot. That had been reasonably entertaining to watch, but the faculty had had the foresight to hire a few of the local police force to make sure nothing got out of hand. Once the parents were somewhat calmed down, forcibly or otherwise, the speeches started. The principal started it off with a speech, then the PTA President gave a speech, then the graduating student council president gave a speech, and then the incoming student council president gave a speech. Sometimes, like today, the school asked someone they deemed important to come to the graduation and, then, the important person would give a speech.

That, really, was the only part of the graduation Tatsuha was looking forward to hearing. The school administration had used Tatsuha as leverage to convince Yuki Eiri himself to give a speech at the ceremony, and Eiri had reluctantly agreed. From what Tatsuha understood, Eiri had not even wanted to attend Tatsuha's graduation and had been complaining about both that and the speech for days. Tatsuha honestly didn't blame him, but he was kind of glad his older brother was here, even if it was just to give a speech.

At long last, Eiri approached the podium. Tatsuha sat up a little bit straighter and smirked when his brother glanced his way and quirked an eyebrow. Eiri looked cranky, but that was all right. None of the women or girls in the audience noticed; they were all dead silent and had their eyes glued on Eiri. They looked about ready to start a commotion again, if only to run up to the stage and swarm around Eiri. The hired policemen looked on edge as they watched the doe-eyed women and girls silently lust after the romance novelist.

Eiri cleared his throat. "Congratulations," he said. Then he took a step back, glanced around, and bowed.

There was a long silence and then, finally, someone coughed. A moment or two later, someone else clapped tentatively. The rest of the crowd followed and Eiri walked off the stage to a smattering of confused applause. Tatsuha did his best not to laugh. Short and sweet was Eiri's style; he should not have been surprised that the rule pertained even to public speaking.

The rest of the graduation ceremony went by without a hitch. The graduates received their diplomas and, immediately afterward, the non-graduating students sang well wishes. There was more singing -- including the traditional song of mutual disdain for Japan's compulsory education system and a farewell song -- and some crying, mostly from the girls in the crowd. Forty-five minutes later, the graduates, a few of them now a bawling mess of snot and tears, paraded out to the applause of non-graduating students, professors, and family.

Once outside, Tatsuha stood around for several minutes as he continued to accept congratulations and half-waited for some of his family to catch up to him. He did not wait very long; Shuichi found him quickly and jumped onto Tatsuha's back, grabbing the teenager's neck from behind. Tatsuha nearly choked to death before Eiri, who had followed the singer, decided to rescue his brother.

As Eiri pried Shuichi off the younger boy's neck, the singer squealed a congratulation. The expression turned into an apology for Eiri's speech and then turned back into a congratulations. Several groups of people recognized Shuichi's voice and started to look around for the singer's now-trademarked pink hair, unaware that Shuichi had dyed it to what he considered a more stealthy color: blue.

Eiri rolled his eyes at Shuichi's enthusiasm and nodded his head in Tatsuha's direction. "You realize you're the first one in the immediate family to actually graduate from high school," he said, raising his voice to be heard over Shuichi. "It's a good thing you're too young to start a trend."

Tatsuha didn't argue the point. He was sure their father was already guilting Mika and Eiri both for not having finished high school, no matter that both had had good reasons for it. Why push the point?

"Your speech sucked," he said instead.

Eiri shrugged. "People are probably already re-writing it in their heads." He sighed dramatically. "And I spent so much time writing it, too."

"Yeah, right."

Shuichi cut in. "He really did! Well, sort of. He had a speech that he wrote a couple of nights ago -- a really good one -- but someone -- and by someone I mean me -- got on his nerves while we were driving here and Yuki balled the paper up and threw his speech at me and it went out the window and then when we got here he said there wasn't enough time to write a new one and he'd just improvise, but I told him not to so it's not my fault!"

Eiri cocked an eyebrow and Tatsuha grinned. A few of his friends walked by, all trying to pretend they didn't notice Shuichi, whose new hair color did very little to disguise him, or Eiri, who did not seem to be in the mood for flirting and probably would have scared them away in any case. Tatsuha waved in their general direction; they walked on by.

"Did you guys ditch Dad and Mika?" he asked at last.

Shuichi shook his head. "We weren't sitting with them. Yuki and I got special seats somewhere in the very back." He clapped his hands together once. "It was... Um. Well, it was a lot better than my graduation was! You looked really grown up -- I was watching you the whole time!"

"He kept falling asleep," Eiri corrected. "I had to continuously shake him awake."

"I was awake for that whole diploma thing," Shuichi argued indignantly.

Tatsuha intervened quickly before the couple could lapse into a full-blown quarrel, as they were prone to do, and ruin the day. He threw an arm over his brother's shoulders and was half-surprised when he was not immediately shoved away.

"So how long are you guys planning to stay in Kyoto?" he asked.

Shuichi grinned and gave a small wave to a group of staring graduates wandered by. The swooned a little and waved back enthusiastically. Shuichi's grin widened even as he turned his attention to the conversation at hand. He spoke quickly, interrupting Eiri before the latter could really say anything at all. "Just until tomorrow or so, so we can go to your party," he declared. A group of female graduates -- rabid Bad Luck fans, to boot -- edged close to Shuichi and, upon spotting them, Shuichi waved. The girls promptly melted into puddles of graduate goo.

It took a moment for Shuichi's words to register. "I get a party?" Tatsuha asked. His face lit up.

Eiri reached over and hit Shuichi lightly on the top of his head. "You weren't supposed to say anything about it, dummy."

Shuichi stuck out his tongue. "He would have found out eventually anyway, and if you don't want me to tell people things then you shouldn't tell me things in the first place!"

Eiri sighed but didn't argue the point. He finally pushed Tatsuha's arm off his shoulders. "Since it's been spoiled already, I might as well warn you not to expect very much from this party. It's a small affair. Family, mostly, and Shuichi."

"I count as family," Shuichi insisted, temporarily turning his attention from the gooey graduates to Eiri.

"You do not," Eiri argued, but his voice implied that he knew better and was just trying to get a rise out of Shuichi. Shuichi heard it, too, and he just made a face and moved a little closer to Eiri. The writer put a possessive hand on top of Shuichi's head and ruffled the blue hair gently before he let his hand fall back to his side. Tatsuha let that brief yet affectionate gesture go without remark.

"And you're going back to Tokyo after the party?" Tatsuha asked.

Eiri shrugged. "Life doesn't stop simply because an Uesugi graduates from high school."

Tatsuha nodded. "I guess it doesn't," he agreed. "But it should." He paused before he pressed on. "Can I go with you?"

As one person, Eiri and Shuichi turned to look at one another. They held a silent conversation with their eyes and a few tiny gestures and then simultaneously looked to Tatsuha and asked:

"What for?"

Huh. Tatsuha hadn't known the couple came in stereo. Neat. "I don't know. Maybe you could think of it as a graduation present," he suggested.

The couple was obviously not buying that. Keeping with their current theme, both Eiri and Shuichi quirked an eyebrow at the graduate. Tatsuha bit back an amused comment and prepared to turn to Plan B -- become a royal suck up -- when he saw his father and sister approaching them. Damn. The brown-nosing would have to wait until after his father left. He would never live it down if the old man caught him.

"There you are!"

Both Eiri and Shuichi turned to see the Uesugi patriarch approaching with Mika close on his heels. Tatsuha stifled a groan.

"Hi, Dad."

The old monk, who had refused to change out of his usual robes, looked strange in as mundane a place as the school lawn, but he didn't seem to mind at all. He clapped Tatsuha on the back. "It's good to know at least one of my sons is going to make something of himself," the man crowed.

Mika, Tatsuha, and Shuichi all winced. Eiri acted as though he hadn't heard the old monk at all. Instead he took hold of the back of Shuichi's shirt and tugged roughly, reigning the singer in.

"We're leaving," Eiri said firmly. It was clear he didn't feel as though he had the patience to hang around. "We'll be at the house around nightfall."

"Eiri!" Mika protested. "First you make a scene on the podium and now you're going to ruin things just because --"

"He's not ruining anything," Tatsuha interrupted. For once in her life, Mika stopped talking and paid him some attention. "He just needs to take a nap in the car or something so he doesn't get cranky later. It's fine."

Tatsuha would prefer that Eiri hang around, really, but he knew it was better to side with his brother in the long run, especially since he was trying to get a free stay in Tokyo. Eiri seemed to understand this and gave his brother a small nod as he wordlessly led Shuichi out toward the parking lot. The singer wisely kept his mouth shut but, as the two disappeared from sight, Shuichi took Eiri's hand in his own, almost as though he was soothing Eiri's temper as they walked along. Mika and Tatsuha were both silent for a while, but their father went on talking about Tatsuha's latest achievement and, of course, his plans for Tatsuha's future as though nothing had happened.

Things went on, however, and Tatsuha did not give a second thought to Eiri and Shuichi until much later that evening, after his graduation party was well underway. What was the big deal about his staying with them in Tokyo for the summer, and why had they acted so strangely about it?

Ah, well. Tatsuha would have to wait a little while longer to find out.

**--end part one--**

( read the prequel "Spin" : http/ )


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Dizzy

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** So far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

**Blood Type:** Something flammable -- times two! -- simply because you could light a match and both Ryuichi and Tatsuha would be on fire.

**Warnings:** Very few.

**Part:** Two

**Author's Note:** Yes. So... I wrote a portion of this part (the bit with the fish) approximately one month after I finished writing "Spin". I originally intended to use it for something else, but I found it while writing this part of the story, realized I could adapt it to fit with the dialogue and the scene with which I was playing, and decided to throw it in. It's probably my favorite bit of this story. Sadly, I think it's also the only part with any dialogue whatsoever. (To be fair, I wrote most of the dialogue later on, while I was adapting the already-written bit to the scene.) Oh well. Please excuse my poor exposition and my lack of character interaction. I promise that things will improve in the third part of this story!

---

Eiri had lied when he told Tatsuha the graduation party was just a small family affair; in truth, many of Tatsuha's friends attended, as did many of Mika's friends, Tatsuha's Aunt Kyoko, and the entire Bad Luck crew (who had apparently been 'hired' to provide the musical entertainment). Everything seemed to go smoothly, so far as Tatsuha could tell. Everyone got along with everyone else and even Eiri pretended to be sociable, although Tatsuha suspected (and Shuichi later confirmed) that the writer was very, very drunk.

As fun and impressive as the whole thing turned out to be, Tatsuha nonetheless felt glad to get a few moments to himself around midnight when he could smoke in peace, at least for a little while. Bad Luck was readily received by the majority of the partygoers and bits of music filtered outside. People stood around in small groups, chatting and carrying on. Tatsuha knew he should be pleased with everything, but he couldn't quite bring himself to that point. Despite his best efforts, Tatsuha was feeling down at his own party.

Probably the worst thing about it all, he decided, was that he didn't know why.

Tatsuha might have figured it all out if he thought about it for a few minutes more, but he didn't get that chance; Eiri came up and tapped Tatsuha's shoulder. As Tatsuha turned to look at his older brother, Eiri walked away, acting as though he had not done a thing. If there had not been so many people around, Tatsuha probably would have called his brother a bastard and pushed him into the koi pond. As it was, he just made a face behind Eiri's back and went back inside the house to mingle and smile at everyone who tried to congratulate him.

The party ended around five in the morning and Mika put both Tatsuha and Eiri to work cleaning up so that she could go to bed. It didn't seem fair to Tatsuha that he should have to clean up at all, since the party had been for him, but complaining only earned him one of _those_ looks from a quickly sobering Eiri so Tatsuha sighed and agreed. His elder brother, in an unusual display of humanity, offered to take care of the mess outside, which was more extensive and involved fishing assorted trash out of the koi pond. Since the fish liked to bite -- perhaps because they sought vengeance for all of the Uesugi children who had tormented the koi with stones and lures --, Tatsuha felt Eiri was brave to tackle it.

Cleaning up inside the house took considerably less time but was a more challenging test of stealth, as the slightest noise would send either his father or Mika downstairs to lecture Tatsuha. Tatsuha had trained himself in the field of indoor stealth, however, and was up to the task. He finished cleaning shortly after five-thirty and then went outside to boast of his progress to Eiri.

Tatsuha wasn't too terribly surprised to find Eiri sitting outside on the steps, smoking idly and tossing spent cigarette butts into the koi pond. By the looks of things, Eiri wasn't even going to bother cleaning, leaving visitors and guests to gawk at the rather disgraceful state of the yard. Tatsuha considered his brother for a moment and then went to sit by him.

"My dick is bigger than yours," he said after a long moment.

Eiri went on ignoring him.

"Seriously, it is," Tatsuha continued. "I went up to Shuichi earlier and told him so, but he didn't believe me and I had to take off my pants and show him. I proved it. Shuichi said I was right, too."

Still nothing.

"He said it was like comparing an elephant to a koala," Tatsuha said. He nudged Eiri in the side. "Did you hear that? He called your dick a koala."

Eiri smiled, just slightly, around his cigarette.

"Yeah, I liked that, too," Tatsuha said. "He was surprised I could fit something so huge into my pants."

Eiri turned stoic once again. Tough crowd.

Tatsuha considered his brother for a moment and then grinned. "Then I told Shuichi that I was better at fucking than you, too, and he didn't believe that, either. So I shoved him against the wall and peeled off those super-tight shorts of his and I --"

"Those shorts zipper," Eiri interrupted. "They would rip if you tried peeling them off and then Shuichi would yell at you until you were deaf."

Well, at least Eiri was listening. Tatsuha frowned. "They zipper?"

"Mmhm."

"All right, so I unzipped those super-tight shorts of his and I pleasured him like he'd never been pleasured before. He came for me, too. Three times."

"Only three?" Eiri asked. He quirked an eyebrow. "Either he's gotten better or you're not as good as you seem to think you are." He exhaled a lungful of smoke. "I'm leaning toward the latter."

Tatsuha grinned. _There_ was the Eiri he knew and loved. "Bastard."

"Mmhm." Eiri offered Tatsuha a cigarette, which the younger refused. Five-thirty was way too early for Eiri's crappy cigarettes. "So what was the brat's final verdict?"

Tatsuha considered that. Picking a winner would be a blow to their attempts at brotherly love, so he would either have to choose very carefully or cop out of it. "He doesn't know," Tatsuha said at last. "Apparently neither of us leave that much of a lasting impression on him, so we'll have to go at it at the same time just to make sure he'll remember properly."

Eiri snorted and chucked another cigarette butt into the koi pond. One koi -- one of the white ones with yellow-orange spots -- came to the surface and ate it. Both brothers stared at the spot where the butt had been and then looked at the collection of spent cigarette butts still floating on the surface of the water.

"What kind of stupid fish would actually...?"

Eiri examined his half-empty package of cigarettes. "Maybe I should switch back to menthol," he muttered. He shook his head and pocketed the package and with his lighter.

Tatsuha blinked and then laughed. Eiri chuckled a bit. A short while later, they lapsed into a comfortable silence. The sky was beginning to lighten and they watched the dark blues of the night turn into purples. It had been a long while since the two had sat around like this and watched the sky; Tatsuha couldn't remember having done it since before Eiri first went to New York, and they had only been kids then. Had it really been so long ago? He sighed and leaned back against the stoop.

"Where's your leech this morning?" Tatsuha asked at last, having finally noticed that Shuichi was mysteriously absent from Eiri's side and had been for much of the evening.

Eiri smirked. "Getting fucked against the wall must have really tired him out. He's probably still sleeping it off inside."

Tatsuha glanced at Eiri out of the corner of his eye. "You know I made that whole thing up, right?"

Eiri nodded but his smirk grew. Tatsuha stared at Eiri for a moment and then shook his head. Yup. Definitely time to change the subject.

"You never answered my question, you know," Tatsuha said at last. He punctuated the statement with a yawn and moved one hand up to cover his mouth.

"I don't answer a lot of your questions," Eiri pointed out. "Which one do you mean?"

"You know which one I mean," Tatsuha said with a slight frown. "The one I asked you this afternoon, about going back to Tokyo with you and Shuichi. It would only be for a little while -- a month or so, I swear -- and I wouldn't be too much trouble. And --"

"It's fine with me," Eiri interrupted. "I'll talk Shuichi into it. He was the one having issues with the idea before."

Tatsuha frowned. "He doesn't want me around?" he asked. "Doesn't he like me anymore?" Tatsuha scowled at the sky and shook a fist at it. "Little bastard. I'll really go slam him up against a wall now."

Eiri rolled his eyes. "Don't be an idiot. He likes you well enough. More than he probably should, all things considered."

"Then why doesn't he want me around?"

Eiri didn't answer. Tatsuha shifted uneasily in the terse silence and frowned at the sky. It was almost morning, and the yard certainly was not cleaning itself. Mika was going to be pissed if it wasn't picture-perfect when she woke up. As far as their father was concerned... He had apparently not wanted to hold a party on the temple grounds at all and had been furious when he discovered Mika and Eiri had gone over his head to arrange it. Mika was grumpy because Dad was pissed off and Dad was pissed off because Eiri didn't give a damn and Eiri didn't give a damn because... Well, because he was Eiri and he never gave a damn. It was a vicious cycle.

Tatsuha sighed. It had been a good party, at least. Lots of people had shown up. All of the people who mattered, anyway, with the exception of...

...with the exception of the one person who really did matter. Tatsuha frowned, remembering his earlier disappointment. He chewed his lower lip and thought a moment, then glanced at Eiri.

"Aniki?"

"Hm?"

Tatsuha licked his lips. "Why wasn't Sakuma Ryuichi here?" Sakuma Ryuichi was the one person -- the only person -- Tatsuha had desperately wanted to see, after all. After their failed (no, not failed: postponed) romance the previous summer, Tatsuha could not possibly want to do anything but rekindle it, to start where they had left off, to talk to Sakuma Ryuichi one more time...

Eiri kept staring straight ahead, silent and obviously troubled by something or another; he furrowed his brow and pursed his lips just slightly as he stared at the quickly lightening morning sky. He pulled his cigarettes and lighter back out of his pocket and lit a new cigarette with practiced fingers, but still he said nothing. Indeed, he only brought the cigarette to his lips twice, and then simply held it between his fingers and let the stick burn. He seemed content to stay silent.

Tatsuha almost gave up on waiting for an answer, but Eiri spoke just as the younger brother started to change the subject.

"When did you last talk to him?" Eiri asked slowly.

Tatsuha frowned. "It's been a little while, I guess. We emailed back and forth for a bit but you know how that goes. The time between messages gets longer and longer and then you forget whose turn it is to write or you have nothing new to say and it just gets forgotten," he answered.

Eiri was quiet again. Then, at last, he stood and brushed himself off. "I'm going to go to bed," he declared.

"You still have to clean up the yard!" Tatsuha protested.

Eiri shrugged and went inside anyway without saying another word. Tatsuha stared after him for a while, wondering what the hell was going on. Eiri still hadn't answered his question, and... Fuck. Tatsuha sighed and considered the yard. He played with the idea of cleaning it up and even moved a few things around with the toe of his shoe, but, in the end, decided it wasn't worth the trouble and went to bed as well.

Luckily for Eiri and Tatsuha, an unexpected early-morning rain washed most of the outside trash out of the yard, so the only major trash Eiri had to deal with was all in the koi pond. (Eiri later told Tatsuha that not a single cigarette butt was in the pond and that none of the fish bit him while he was cleaning it, a miracle he attributed to a large white koi with yellow-orange spots who had chased all the other fish away. Tatsuha was not sure if he should believe his brother or not; Eiri had always been prone to making up stories, and this wasn't the first time he had tried to convince Tatsuha that one of the fish was more intelligent than it should be.)

The day went by slowly and it was mostly occupied by bickering. Eiri and Shuichi, too tired to drive home, extended their stay in Kyoto and opened the day's festivities by bickering with one another. Then Mika started to bicker with her father who bickered with Eiri who bickered with Tatsuha who bickered with Shuichi who bickered with... Well, everyone bickered with everyone. Some arguments were more heated than others and all quarrels between Eiri and Shuichi ended behind the firmly closed doors of the guest bedroom. After a while, everyone else just tried to avoid the couple -- just in case.

Most issues, as always, were left unresolved. By the time night fell, however, at least the matter of where Tatsuha would spend his summer was finally settled. Tatsuha was packed and ready to go long before Eiri and Shuichi even woke up and, around ten that morning, the three of them finally left for Tokyo.

The trip was mostly uneventful. Eiri and Shuichi were both stopped for autographs and pictures nearly every time Eiri stopped the car. They graciously tolerated these attentions and requests; three people asked them to do something compromising on camera (a kiss, once, which they did, and full-on making out twice, which they did not). One young Bad Luck fan managed to mistake Tatsuha for Eiri, but a few whispered condolences from Shuichi healed Eiri's injured pride before the writer could drive more than a few meters away without his younger brother in the car.

All in all, the three of them arrived at Eiri and Shuichi's apartment in the late evening. Eiri made short work of locking himself in his office, so Shuichi set to the task of helping Tatsuha settle in and of showing Tatsuha around, since Eiri and Shuichi had owned this particular apartment for only two months and Tatsuha was not familiar with the layout. (They had moved for what Eiri called "security reasons". He had refused to say anymore about it.) The new apartment was larger than the old one, probably because Eiri and Shuichi had bought it together, as a couple, rather than Eiri buying it by himself. Given the extra space, the couple even granted Tatsuha his own room during this stay instead of the couch, so the apartment earned his instant approval.

With that chore done at last, Shuichi went to Eiri's office and badgered him until the writer agreed to come to bed. Tatsuha waited in his own room until he was absolutely sure the couple had retired for the night, then he snitched Eiri's cell phone from the writer's jacket pocket and flipped through his personal book of phone numbers. Tatsuha was looking for one number in particular, of course; he was a man on a mission. He was going to track down Sakuma Ryuichi before his month-long stay in Tokyo was over -- or he would die trying.

It couldn't possibly be that hard. Right?

**--end of part two--**


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Dizzy

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** So far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

**Blood Type:** Something flammable -- times two! -- simply because you could light a match and both Ryuichi and Tatsuha would be on fire.

**Warnings:** Very few.

**Part:** Three

---

Tatsuha's first night of making nosy phone calls and inquiries proved fruitless. He quickly discovered that Ryuichi had, about a year ago, moved out of his apartment to some anonymous place, and no one would tell Tatsuha where. The people who knew were keeping quiet about it, even after he told them who he was and assured them that yes, he really did know Sakuma Ryuichi, and no, he wasn't just some raging fanboy trying to track down his idol of the moment. And then once those people knew who he was, they would still refuse to give him a hint! Even Ukai Noriko, who had helped him a great deal the last time he had talked to her, wasn't saying a word. Tatsuha simply didn't understand why, and he eventually fell asleep with the phone still pressed to his ear, discouraged but still determined.

He _would_ find Sakuma Ryuichi. He just _had_ to. They had made a _promise_, and Tatsuha (almost) never broke promises.

It was the sound of something breaking in the kitchen that startled Tatsuha awake the next morning. Upon awakening, the first thing Tatsuha did was fall out of bed. He lay there, stunned and tangled in a mess of bed sheets, for a long while as he regained his bearings. He heard Eiri's footsteps hurry in from the master bedroom, a hurried explanation from Shuichi, Eiri's exasperated "can't I leave you alone for two minutes?", and then a frantic, mumbled apology from Shuichi. Tatsuha sighed and got to his feet. At least this place was rarely boring.

When Tatsuha tentatively entered the kitchen, Eiri, dressed in his pajama bottoms but nothing else, was down on his hands and knees, lumbering around the kitchen floor to clean up what looked to be the remains of a ceramic bowl, one hand covered by a wet towel. Shuichi was dressed in boxers, a t-shirt, and socks, and looked both guilty and a little flustered where he stood by the sink and was, to Eiri's obvious annoyance, still apologizing. Eiri periodically interrupted Shuichi and insisted that the apologies were unnecessary, simultaneously telling Shuichi to be quiet and stop worrying about a stupid bowl. Tatsuha watched the scene for a few moments and then cleared his throat loudly. Shuichi jumped a little and looked over to see Tatsuha, whom he had apparently forgotten. Eiri noticed Shuichi's jump and turned over his shoulder to see Tatsuha, cutting his finger in the process. He cursed, put his wounded finger into his mouth, and continued to clean with his uninjured and towel-covered hand.

Shuichi tried a smile. "Did we wake you up? I'm sorry! I was just getting ready for work and stuff and I knocked the bowl off the table and it broke and made a huge mess everywhere and then Yuki woke up and I guess --"

"Shut up and pour me some coffee," Eiri ordered, effectively silencing Shuichi for the time being.

Shuichi quickly scrambled to do as he was told, dodging the bits of ceramic still on the floor to collect a coffee mug, grounds, and, of course, the coffee maker, which was apparently in the habit of misplacing itself. His silence did not last long; as he jumped over Eiri's pile of ceramic shards, he started talking again.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked Tatsuha.

Shuichi skidded a little when his socked feet met the floor again and Eiri hastily dropped his handful of pottery and removed his injured finger from his mouth, grabbed Shuichi's arms, and adjusted the singer to help him regain his balance and keep him from falling to the floor. Shuichi didn't even seem to notice and, once Shuichi was back on his feet, Eiri went wordlessly went back to picking up broken shards of ceramic. Business as usual.

"You're the first person to sleep in that bed, you know, and so you should let us know if it's bad so we can go get a different one or something. Then you can test that one out for us, too! I tried testing them out in the store, but Yuki wouldn't let me jump on them properly or anything -- not that I think you should jump on them. Please don't. We get enough complaints from the people downstairs as it is, you know. But in any case, I couldn't test them out in the store and we just bought one because Yuki said it looked okay. Like you can tell if a mattress is any good just by looking at it! You would think he was the world's leading expert on mattresses or --"

Eiri interrupted smoothly. "Aren't you running late for work?" he asked as he dumped shards of the broken bowl into the trash.

Shuichi paused and then, after he looked at the clock and eeped, ran off to the bedroom to finish getting dressed while the coffee brewed and Eiri finished cleaning up the floor, tossing the wet cloth onto the counter by the sink once he was done with it. Tatsuha watched Shuichi go and then shifted his gaze to Eiri. He could already feel the beginnings of an idea nagging at the corner of his thoughts.

"Brat," Eiri mumbled when Shuichi had disappeared. The singing started almost immediately, and Eiri rolled his eyes as snatches of song trailed out of the bedroom and back into the kitchen. "He can't do anything without singing about it."

Tatsuha laughed a little and listened to the tune for a moment. It was a familiar tune, one he recognized from the radio, but the words were mostly nonsense and involved, at that particular moment, something about putting on socks. "At least he isn't half bad," Tatsuha pointed out.

Eiri snorted. "Whatever."

"You don't hate it as much as you say you do," Tatsuha said.

Eiri ignored him.

Tatsuha paused. "The mattress sucks, you know."

"I know," Eiri said. "I'm trying to discourage people from staying for more than one night at a time."

The two brothers glanced at one another and smiled as they shared a brief but silent confidence. Shuichi darted back in not long afterward, still humming the tune of his sock song, and went immediately to the coffee maker to pour out a cup for Eiri, who suddenly feigned interest in the cut on his finger. Shuichi poured the coffee as he walked.

"Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up and just know you're going to have a bizarre kind of day?" Shuichi asked brightly. "I mean, when you look out the window and bam! It just hits you?"

"The window hit you?"

Shuichi shot Tatsuha a disparaging look. "You're being silly."

Tatsuha simply shrugged. Guilty. He paused and then, at last, put his hastily-sketched plan into motion. "Shuichi?" he began.

"Hm?" The singer passed Eiri the coffee mug and blew a breath of air upward to get some hair out of his face. When that didn't work, Shuichi swiped at the hair instead.

Tatsuha hesitated for only a moment. "Can I go to work with you today?"

There was the slightest of pauses as the question registered and then, suddenly, the carafe Shuichi had been holding in his hand fell, hit the floor, and broke apart. Glass and coffee skittered across the floor and Shuichi jumped away so as not to get splashed. Eiri cursed, set his mug down on the table, and reached for the recently discarded wet cloth by the sink so he could clean the kitchen floor for the second time in fifteen minutes.

"I'm sorry!" Shuichi exclaimed. "It just slipped out of my hand and went ker-rash and I promise I'll --"

"We'll buy a new one," Eiri interjected. He sounded far less annoyed than Tatsuha had expected, but Shuichi sounded a great deal less worried about the carafe than he had been about the bowl. Eiri glanced in Tatsuha's direction. "Tatsuha will help me find a replacement," he continued.

Tatsuha started to protest, but Eiri and Shuichi exchanged what looked to be a meaningful glance and he decided not to, if only because of what he saw in that look. Shuichi had looked thankful. Eiri had looked as though he understood why. Tatsuha wondered -- for neither the first nor last time that day -- what was going on.

It would be several days before Tatsuha found out what that might be, however. Eiri did indeed drag him to the store to find a new carafe for the coffee maker, and he was strangely particular about the damn thing, too, so he managed to waste Tatsuha's entire day. And then, to top it off, Eiri's sudden interest in his company continued! Every time Tatsuha concocted a plan to get close to Sakuma Ryuichi, Eiri and Shuichi would already have something else in mind. The next time Tatsuha asked to go with Shuichi to work, Eiri told him he had already purchased tickets to a show on the other side of Tokyo. When Tatsuha not-so-subtly suggested that the three of them go to a concert featuring a new band -- an event no NG professional would be likely to miss -- Eiri and Shuichi suggested, equally not-so-subtly, a dinner out with some of Eiri's friends.

Tatsuha hadn't even known Eiri _had_ friends.

Things eventually got to the point where Tatsuha was afraid to request a trip to the bathroom, just in case the disastrous duo guided him down a long hallway in the opposite direction. Eiri was spending more time with Tatsuha than Tatsuha could remember having spent with his brother in their entire lives. Shuichi was making a point of having days off on the days Tatsuha just _knew_ Ryuichi would be in the studio. It was impossible to escape. And, really, it was all very suspicious.

Almost a full week after Shuichi broke the bowl and carafe, Tatsuha was carted off to dinner with Eiri, Shuichi, and some girl one of them knew from somewhere Tatsuha couldn't quite remember. The girl was obviously meant to keep his mind off of other important matters, like finding Sakuma Ryuichi, and she was doing a good job of it, too. The chick had a huge rack, the finest ass in Japan, and a pair of legs that even Eiri was continuously straining his eyes to see. Her other features weren't bad, either, and Tatsuha found himself having a hard time keeping his mind on anything other than her... uh... assets. It almost worked, too. Indeed, it probably _would_ have worked. The girl, whose name was possibly Yumi but Tatsuha couldn't quite be sure, had Tatsuha engaged in a fantastic conversation throughout the evening and Eiri and Shuichi were continuously requesting that more drinks be brought to the table, perhaps to aid Yumi in completely numbing Tatsuha's brain. Tatsuha was halfway through his fourth glass of something tall, green, and sour when he heard Shuichi whisper 'shit' and saw Eiri half-turn to see what Shuichi was looking at. The word and the half-turn were accompanied by the sound of the doors behind Tatsuha and Yumi opening, so Tatsuha turned to look as well.

He didn't understand, at first, why Shuichi had cursed. Coming through the door was none other than his idol, his dream, his love: Sakuma Ryuichi. Tatsuha's heart trilled and he even started to stand up to greet the man of his dreams... when he realized there was a young woman hanging onto Ryuichi's arm.

A very pretty young woman.

Who was smiling at Ryuichi like an idiot.

At whom Ryuichi was idiotically smiling _back_.

Who was wearing Sakuma Ryuichi's jacket -- the one he had worn in the "Be There" video with the little rhinestones on the sleeve -- like she owned it, or like it had been given to her.

Who had Ryuichi's arm -- his own personal arm! -- wrapped around her waist.

Who was quite obviously Sakuma Ryuichi's date.

Tatsuha gaped at the sight. As Ryuichi and his date walked by, the living legend's eyes swept over the table at which Eiri, Shuichi, Tatsuha, and Yumi sat. He smiled at Shuichi and Yumi and nodded his head at Eiri. To Tatsuha, he did nothing.

Nothing.

Tatsuha stayed still for a long moment, still half in and half out of his seat. He was stunned. Ryuichi had acted as though he didn't know Tatsuha at all. As though they had never exchanged emails or never kissed or never even _met_ before. He acted as though Tatsuha didn't mean anything to him at all! He acted like... like...

For the first time since he had met the singer, Tatsuha wondered if maybe, just maybe, he really _didn't _mean anything to Sakuma Ryuichi.

Ryuichi and his date faded out of sight, ushered into an exclusive VIP room by a maître d'. Tatsuha stayed frozen for a moment, still partially out of his seat and ready to greet a man who no longer even acknowledged his existence. It didn't make sense. It just didn't make any...

No. What stung so much, Tatsuha realized, was that it made perfect sense. It made abso-fucking-lute perfect sense. Sakuma Ryuichi couldn't care less about Uesugi Tatsuha. He simply didn't give a damn. Why should he? He was a star. Famous. Loved. Adored by millions. Tatsuha was... just Tatsuha. A teenager with siblings who knew how to get what they wanted but who couldn't quite master that ability himself. Okay, so maybe they had had something once, for a little while, but time had passed. The ship had sailed. It was over.

Shuichi broke the silence and, with it, the spell that kept Tatsuha frozen in place. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "We didn't want you to know just yet."

Tatsuha sank back into his seat and then, after a moment, got back to his feet. Shuichi hadn't wanted him to know. He hadn't wanted Tatsuha to know that Sakuma Ryuichi had only thought of him as a game, a toy that could be tossed aside at a whim. Shuichi hadn't wanted Tatsuha to know that he didn't matter after all, that all his dreams and the promises he and Ryuichi had made didn't mean a thing. To make matters worse, he had suckered Eiri, Tatsuha's very own brother, into keeping the truth from him as well.

Well. That was just... wonderful.

It all made sense; the pieces fell together and hit Tatsuha like a punch in the gut. He gave his brother, Shuichi, and Yumi a tight smile and then pushed his chair back. Then, without saying a word, he walked to the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Eiri asked, voice low and steady.

Tatsuha did not bother to answer his brother's question. He walked out, hailed a taxicab, and left. Neither Eiri nor Shuichi moved to stop him. To be honest, he would have been shocked if they had.

Later that night, for Tatsuha had plenty of time to think these things over, he imagined the scene that would have played out after he left. Shuichi would probably sit stunned for a moment or two before he turned to Yumi to try and explain away Tatsuha's behavior. Eiri wouldn't want to hang around for long afterward; he probably gathered their things, paid their check, and ushered everyone out. At that particular moment, however, Tatsuha couldn't have cared any less about the ruined dinner engagement. His new-found knowledge of Sakuma Ryuichi's disregard for last summer's fling -- which was, Tatsuha realized belatedly, probably all it had been to the singer -- was still fresh, strong, and hurting. The man who had promised to write and to wait for him was gone and had already forgotten. Tatsuha was alone.

Tatsuha, after leaving the restaurant, instructed the cabbie to take him to a bar -- any bar, he didn't care -- and he stumbled out of the taxi without noting the name of the place. He was wearing one of Eiri's older jackets, since he had not brought any suitable attire of his own with him to Toyko, and there was a credit card and a collection of Eiri's spare change in one of the pockets, abandoned there by Eiri's usual absentmindedness. It was more than enough for Tatsuha's intentions.

At the bar, Tatsuha met Ami and Cho, two scantily clad women who told Tatsuha he was cute and offered to cheer Tatsuha up with a night to end all nights -- one that would help him to forget his current troubles. Tatsuha wasn't nearly as smooth with the ladies as Eiri was, so he silently applauded himself for having attracted their attention. After a few drinks, Tatsuha took them up on their offer. He used Eiri's credit card to rent a motel room, followed the girls up the stairs, and prepared to forget all about Sakuma Ryuichi.

It didn't quite work the way he had planned, but at least it was something.

**---end part three---**


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Dizzy

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** So far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

**Blood Type:** Something flammable -- times two! -- simply because you could light a match and both Ryuichi and Tatsuha would be on fire.

**Warnings:** Very few.

**Part:** Four

**Author's Note:** I'm late with posting this chapter, and I'm sorry. In all fairness, this means that the fifth part will be posted all the sooner! My heartfelt thanks go out to Aja, as usual, for whipping this monster into semi-submission. She's such a dear.

---

The door to Tatsuha's motel room opened once more that night, around midnight, but did not open again until almost noon the next day, by Tatsuha's watch -- which was the first thing Tatsuha strained to look at when the door slammed closed and woke him up from his uneasy doze. He shifted, just slightly, but stayed silent so that he could find out who, exactly, was out there. It couldn't be the cleaning service, he knew, unless someone had stolen the 'Do Not Disturb' sign he'd put on the outside door, and no one else would have a key. Right? Hell. Some asshole had broken into his motel room, and Tatsuha wasn't going to be able to do a thing to get him out. Peachy. Just peachy.

Tatsuha didn't make any sound at all until he heard the intruder speak.

"Tatsuha?"

It was Eiri. Okay, so the asshole part was still true, but at least this was an asshole Tatsuha knew wouldn't try to kill him too badly. He replied with a faint 'umm!' noise, which Eiri apparently did not hear. Tatsuha heard his brother make a 'tch' sound and kick some liquor bottles -- empty, by the sound of it -- out of his way. Eiri was looking through the bedroom.

"Tatsuha, you asswipe, I know you're in here," Eiri snapped. "You'd better give me a fucking answer unless some whore blew out your brains, and I don't mean that in a good and happy kind of way!"

Tatsuha rolled his eyes. Eiri always picked the weirdest times to be creative. "Mmm!" he tried again.

Eiri's footsteps paused and Tatsuha guessed the elder had heard him at last. "Tatsuha?" the writer asked.

"Mmm!"

A second or two passed before the bathroom door swung open to reveal Tatsuha in all his glory: completely naked but for his watch and the duct tape slapped over his mouth and the handcuffs on his wrist. He knelt on the ground with his hands cuffed around the main pipeline of the inset toilet. Eiri froze in the doorway and stared at Tatsuha for a long moment but, to his credit, didn't laugh. At first. Once the initial surprise wore off, Eiri started to chuckle. Tatsuha fumed but knew, in all fairness, that he would have done worse had their positions been reversed.

When Eiri got himself back under control, he knelt down by Tatsuha, not bothering to hide his smirk. "I don't even want to know who handcuffed you to the toilet or how they did it, but I would like to know what the fuck you were thinking." He paused. "Someone wrote on your ass in lipstick, you know." Eiri craned his neck as though to read what was written there. "Nothing flattering, either."

Tatsuha glared. After he and the two young women of questionable virtue had secured the motel room, they had all had a bit more to drink -- Tatsuha, perhaps, more than the other two. Well, maybe not _perhaps_. He had, after all, put up no argument when one of the girls had convinced Tatsuha to try out something kinky or when both girls had handcuffed him to the toilet. He had at last figured out that something was wrong when they had gagged him and stood around him, laughing, with the lipstick in hand. He didn't remember them writing on his rear, but he credited that to his drunken state. The girls had eventually left, along with the cash that remained in the jacket pocket, leaving Tatsuha to suffer the ultimate humiliation when, at last, someone went into the room and found him there. End of story. Tatsuha, of course, had no way of telling Eiri any of this, so instead he just made sound: "Mmm!"

Eiri shook his head and ripped the tape away from Tatsuha's mouth. Tatsuha wanted to yell out but didn't. His lips burned and stung; he licked them carefully and found that only made them sting more.

"What took you so long?" he asked in an attempt to joke his way out of the situation.

Eiri didn't buy it. The writer quirked an eyebrow and set to work wrestling with the handcuffs. Tatsuha accepted his defeat and sighed.

"I needed to do _something_," he explained at last. "You know, to prove..." His voice trailed away. Tatsuha wasn't exactly sure what he had been trying to do. He just wanted to know that he... He looked to Eiri for help.

"To prove you didn't care as much as you really did," Eiri supplied when he saw the look.

Tatsuha nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"I see," Eiri answered. He frowned at his brother and then bowed his head as he patiently got to work on the handcuffs. "Shuichi was worried when we went home and you weren't there. He wanted me to go out and look for you."

That was Eiri-speak for 'I was worried, you idiot!', but Tatsuha knew better than to translate it aloud. Instead he just looked away and stared at the wall.

"Did you go look?"

Eiri paused. "No."

That was Eiri-speak for '...but I thought about it'. Tatsuha sighed. At least he knew his brother cared a little bit. That was something.

Tatsuha licked his lips again. They still stung. "How did you know I was here?"

"I have a very nosy credit card company," Eiri answered. "They thought it was strange that I paid for both a shit-load of liquor and a motel room in one night when I usually only use the card for travel expenses once or twice a year. I got a call at ten o'clock, realized you must have used the card, and asked for the motel phone number. When I called, the desk told me you hadn't checked out, so I figured it out from there."

"Oh."

"'Oh' is right," Eiri said. He scowled at the handcuffs, which did not seem to be cooperating. "I'm guessing there was a girl involved?"

"Two," Tatsuha answered. "Sorry."

Eiri brought his eyes up to meet Tatsuha's and then shook his head. "You're an absolute fucktard," he said. That was Eiri-speak for 'You had me worried. Don't do it again.'

It was a good thing, Tatsuha decided, that he spoke fluent Eiri.

"Bastard," Tatsuha said, and grinned. He felt his lip split and he stopped grinning in order to suck on his lower lip to ease the ache and stop the bleeding. Eiri stood and filled a glass with water. He helped Tatsuha drink a little, and that helped. Then he went back to the problem of the handcuffs, this time using a pocketknife to fiddle with the keyhole.

"Fuck." Eiri scowled at the handcuffs. "This is a pain in the ass."

"You aren't the one who has been stuck on the floor for a million hours," Tatsuha said. "I don't think I'm ever going to be able to move again."

Eiri frowned. "You're an idiot," he said, and this time he meant exactly that.

"I'm glad to know you care," Tatsuha countered, making a face.

Eiri was quiet for a very long time before he spoke again. "We should have told you about Sakuma-san," he said at last. It wasn't an apology by any means, but it was something. "After you came to visit last time, Sakuma apparently started moping around. Shuichi said he was missing you, but then, all of a sudden, he was normal again." Eiri paused. "As normal as that man can be, in any case."

Tatsuha stayed quiet. Eiri continued.

"Shuichi came home soon after and told me Sakuma was seeing an American model he had known... years ago, I suppose. It looked serious, but Seguchi made sure the news stayed out of the tabloids and the papers." Eiri glanced at Tatsuha quickly. "We thought you would find out that way or through some internet talk, but I suppose you never did."

"That's why Shuichi didn't want me to stay the summer with you," Tatsuha murmured. "Isn't it? He thought I'd upset Sakuma-san or..."

Eiri was no longer meeting Tatsuha's eyes and, suddenly, Tatsuha figured it out.

"_You_ didn't want me to know?"

Eiri nodded. "I thought perhaps you would grow out of it. Fanboy crushes are only fanboy crushes, after all. They come and go."

If Tatsuha's hands had been loose, he would have had to resist the urge to hit his brother. "Fuck you," he hissed. "You asshole! I love him! You don't know anything about it! How could _you_ understand? You fucking --"

A harsh, mean glare from Eiri stopped Tatsuha's diatribe in mid-sentence, before Tatsuha could fully unleash his tongue.

"I was wrong," Eiri admitted, his face and voice both stony. "I knew it for sure last night, but I realized it at your party. I apologize. You should be mad, perhaps, but don't you ever dare accuse me of not understanding."

Tatsuha returned the glare and then looked away to glower at his own hands. Okay. So maybe Eiri had a point. Maybe. He sighed and, after a moment, his face softened.

"You and Shuichi didn't tell me because you didn't want me to get hurt," Tatsuha murmured. "It was never about Sakuma Ryuichi's feelings, was it? It was about mine."

Eiri paused for a moment and then nodded. "Yes."

"You thought maybe if I didn't see him at all -- with or without the model -- I would forget about him and move on."

"That was the general idea," Eiri agreed.

"You were wrong."

Eiri refused to look at Tatsuha once again. "I know," he said. "I'm sorry."

The weight of Eiri's apology -- his honest, sincere apology -- made everything hit home at last. Tatsuha felt tears prick at his eyes and he blinked rapidly to keep them away, but that only made them fall. He had no free hands with which to swipe the tears away, so he had to let them course down his cheeks and turn him back into the six-year-old boy who had cried over skinned knees and cuts while his older siblings attended him.

Eiri graciously pretended not to notice and, when he finally got Tatsuha free of the handcuffs, he left to wait in the hall so that Tatsuha could take a minute to suffer by himself, in peace.

**---end part four---**


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** Dizzy

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** So far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

**Blood Type:** Something flammable -- times two! -- simply because you could light a match and both Ryuichi and Tatsuha would be on fire.

**Warnings:** Very few.

**Part:** Five

**Author's Note:** Um. Eat, drink, and be merry. This chapter is blah.

---

"Maybe he never really loved me at all," Tatsuha mused glumly. A day had passed since his disastrous debauchery, which had given Tatsuha time to catch up on the sleep he had lost those first days while trying to look for Ryuichi. It also gave him time to think about all the things he had recently discovered concerning the rock star, and Tatsuha was quickly finding that his thoughts of Ryuichi and his stupid girlfriend were doing little to improve his mood.

Eiri, who sat on the couch, flipped through television channels, nursed what he claimed was the worst coffee Shuichi had ever made, and said nothing. Since he was here, he had already heard a great deal of Tatsuha's musings. He had been a fairly good listener for the first hour or two, but soon all of Tatsuha's maybes and moping got on his nerves. Tatsuha wasn't sure Eiri was even making the attempt to listen to him now.

Tatsuha frowned. "What do you think?" he asked.

Eiri only shrugged.

Tatsuha sighed. "I don't think he ever actually _said_ he loved me or that he'd wait for me or anything like that," Tatsuha admitted, equally glum. "Maybe I just hoped he would. Or maybe I wanted him to love me so much that I figured he had to return the feeling. You know what I mean?"

"Maybe you should shut up so I can watch my shows," Eiri retorted, but Tatsuha knew he didn't quite mean it like that. He cared, at least a little, but Tatsuha's constant musing was wearing on his last nerve. Tatsuha sighed. He could live with that.

When Eiri and Tatsuha had returned to the apartment after the fiasco at the motel, Shuichi had rushed out of the music room, which was really just a storage room Eiri had hired some guys to soundproof so Shuichi could play music or practice his singing without bothering anyone (especially Eiri). Shuichi had quickly re-explained things to Tatsuha, complete with several more apologies. He was sorry, he said, but Ryuichi was his friend and Tatsuha was almost like his brother and it was just so much easier not to say anything at all and hope it would go away. Eiri had eventually noticed that Tatsuha's patience was wearing thin and had led Shuichi back into the music room. The door had shut behind them and, when they reappeared an hour later, they went to the bedroom so Tatsuha could be alone. Tatsuha had mostly been left to himself since then. He didn't mind this at all, since it gave him more time to brood over what had happened and what he was going to do next.

Not that there were many options left to him, of course. There wasn't a great deal he could do; going after Ryuichi was out of the question, since the rock star probably didn't even remember who Tatsuha was, and staying in Tokyo was kind of pointless, especially since he had only wanted to stay the summer with Eiri and Shuichi to see Ryuichi again. He knew he was pissing Eiri off with his constant moping, too, and a pissed off Eiri was never a good thing. That, in Tatsuha's mind, left only one other option: retreat.

Tatsuha sighed. "Maybe I should go back home," he said at last.

Eiri frowned and quirked an eyebrow, but never looked away from the television. "To Kyoto?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Tatsuha was quiet for a long while. How was he supposed to explain to his brother that the way Shuichi passed him a guilty look each time Tatsuha saw the singer made him feel betrayed all over again? How was he supposed to tell Eiri that he had come to Tokyo for the sole purpose of finding Ryuichi? How was he supposed to let his brother know he was miserable and felt like all of Tokyo knew he had been a fool? He couldn't. Eiri had always gotten everything he wanted, ever since he met Seguchi Tohma. Eiri wouldn't understand, no matter how much he thought he would. Tatsuha was sure of that.

"I just want to go home is all," Tatsuha lied. "I should be helping Dad out with the temple and stuff. And be getting ready to go to the university. I got accepted, you know. Dad was so happy about it I thought he was going to fly through the roof or something. I told you about it."

Eiri watched Tatsuha for a long while, examining his brother's face. He seemed to know Tatsuha was lying and that his reasons were only sad attempts to justify his retreat. Eiri's cold hazel eyes hinted at disgust and the frown never wavered. Tatsuha ignored the expression and held his brother's gaze as steadily as he could.

"All right," Eiri said at last. He shrugged his shoulders as though he didn't care, but Tatsuha had the feeling that Eiri had not given up on the argument just yet. "I'll drive you back tomorrow, if that's what you want."

That was more than Tatsuha had expected. He had expected, at the very best, a ride to the train station. He broke eye contact. "Thanks."

Eiri only shrugged and looked back toward the television. The show he had been watching for the past few minutes suddenly did not interest him any longer; he picked up the remote and began to flip through the channels once again. Tatsuha stood up once Eiri paused on some cheesy afternoon soap opera and escaped to his room to pack his things and prepare for the trip back home.

The subject was broached again late in the evening, once Shuichi returned from the studio. The singer immediately kicked off his shoes and went to the kitchen to attempt to cook on his own, since both Eiri and Tatsuha had eaten already, and both brothers followed to stand side by side in the doorway and watch the scene. It was quite a show, which Eiri enjoyed because he knew how to cook and Tatsuha liked because he learned what he should not do in the kitchen -- and because he knew Eiri would eventually shove Shuichi out of the way, take over the cooking, and make enough to give all three of them another meal and a midnight snack, too.

The kitchen in Eiri and Shuichi's new apartment was about the same size as their old one, but the design was different enough that Eiri and Shuichi were almost constantly bumping into cabinets or into the island in the middle of the room. Cabinets were everywhere, and neither Eiri nor Shuichi seemed to know which cabinets and drawers were supposed to hold what, so things were constantly getting lost.

Shuichi went to the refrigerator for an onion and some leeks and then set them on the island. He glanced around and started looking through cabinets. When he did not find what he was looking for, he glanced over his shoulder at Eiri.

"Where's the knife?"

Eiri shrugged.

Shuichi groaned and turned his back on the brothers, turning to root through a cabinet for the knife. After a few seconds of humming, he started to babble. Tatsuha mostly zoned out, but when Shuichi cried "Oh!" both he and Eiri snapped to attention. Eiri leaned over the island to make sure Shuichi had not cut himself on the very knife the singer was searching for. That seemed not to be the case, however, and Eiri righted himself immediately once Shuichi continued speaking. "There's going to be a dinner at K-san's house tomorrow night to celebrate our last single going gold, and you guys are both invited if you want to go, because K --"

"We're going to be in Kyoto," Eiri interrupted.

Tatsuha glanced from Eiri to Shuichi's back and then back to Eiri. Ah. So that's what Eiri had been planning; he was going to drag Shuichi into a debate concerning the end of Tatsuha's stay in Tokyo. Bastard. It wasn't as though Shuichi would care or anything if Tatsuha left, after all. Right?

Shuichi paused and turned around to face the brothers. "In Kyoto?" he repeated.

"Mmhm."

"What for?" Shuichi finally spotted the knife somewhere on the counter and began to eye the leeks he had set on the island earlier.

"I'll be taking Tatsuha home."

"Why?"

"Because he says he wants to go," Eiri answered.

Tatsuha fully expected Shuichi to ask why Eiri was taking him instead of letting him ride the bullet train as he had the summer before, but the question never came. Leeks forgotten, Shuichi stared at the Uesugi brothers.

"What?" he asked.

"Tatsuha wants to go home," Eiri replied.

Three very interesting things happened at this point. The first was that Shuichi's eyebrows nearly shot off the top of his head. The second was that Tatsuha saw Shuichi's face twist into surprise, then disgust, and then, finally, rage. The third thing -- the final thing -- was that Shuichi practically jumped over the island toward Tatsuha, moved forward until he was only a step or two away from Tatsuha, the knife still clutched in his hand, and Eiri made no move to either stop the singer or take the knife away, even though Shuichi had it pointed dangerously close to Tatsuha's chest.

"You're giving up!" Shuichi roared, far more furious than Tatsuha had ever seen him before. He began to gesture with the knife as he spoke. "You've hit one obstacle bigger than you're used to and you're just going to turn around with your tail tucked between your legs!"

Tatsuha shook his head. "But you guys were the first ones to get in the way," he pointed out through gritted teeth. "Remember? You decided not to tell me what was going and just kept making sure I wouldn't find out the truth about Sakuma and his girlfriend."

"And we admitted we were wrong!" Shuichi exclaimed. "We admitted it and we apologized and even when we _were _doing it we kept hoping you'd figure it out so you could do something to change it and make yourself happy!"

Tatsuha shook his head. "But --"

Shuichi ignored him and continued. "Don't you know that you have to work to get what you want?" He threw his hands up in the air and the knife came dangerously close to cutting off Tatsuha's ear. Tatsuha froze in surprise and then belatedly winced away. "Doesn't anyone in your family know that you're supposed to work for happiness? You all are the least ambitious people to ever walk the earth!"

The knife approached Tatsuha's chest this time and Tatsuha jerked backward to avoid it.

"We are not!" Tatsuha argued. "I mean, Eiri --"

"Yuki is just as bad as you are," Shuichi insisted, pointing the knife at Tatsuha's face. "If he wants something, he dawdles around it until someone either hands it to him on a silver platter or until he gives up hope! One thing gets in his way and suddenly he's all 'Oh, I can't love you because I may hurt you!' or 'Oh no, something bad happened to you, so now I must blame myself and run away before I get hurt, too!' or... or..." Shuichi sputtered a moment. "When I decided I wanted Yuki, I kept trying to get him even though he kept pushing me away, and look where I ended up! I got what I wanted! Doesn't that tell you _anything_?"

Tatsuha glanced at Eiri, who only frowned. That was probably fair. Shuichi was right, wasn't he? Tatsuha had failed. He _always_ failed.

Shuichi went on. "And you! You know what you want and what you've dreamed of having for forever and you just quit! You lose! There's no excuse not to dream! You could have it if you wanted if you just went out and did things and made yourself there to be noticed like at K's party, but all you're doing is running away because you're afraid of getting hurt like a coward! Are you going to rely on someone else to do the dirty work for you? Are you hoping that... that Yuki will pull Ryuichi out of a studio and drive him to Kyoto to burst in and save the day?" Shuichi scowled. "What's next? I know! You're going to run home and be miserable because no one will understand you and no one will let you into their heart, even though you _know_ someone will and has and you're just too blind to see it!" Shuichi's eyes blazed. "Coward! You give up before you even start trying and you never ever think about what might happen if you just tried to do something? Anything? You're just so unbelievably --"

"Shuichi," Eiri interrupted quietly. "That's enough."

Shuichi blinked at Eiri and then glanced from Eiri back to Tatsuha. He bit his lip and backed away until he was pressed against the island. Eiri took the knife from Shuichi's hand and started cooking, pointedly turning his back on Tatsuha so that he was facing the opposite cabinets. Shuichi excused himself in a whisper and walked past Tatsuha, escaping to the music room.

Tatsuha realized at that point in time that he was crying for the second time in less than three days. He quickly wiped his eyes and retreated to the bedroom he had practically adopted as his own. When Eiri knocked and told him that he had finished cooking and there was enough for one more if Tatsuha wanted to eat a second dinner, Tatsuha pretended he was asleep. It seemed like the best choice.

Then again, Tatsuha had not been making all of the right choices as of late.

**---end part five---**


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** Dizzy

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** So far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

**Blood Type:** Something flammable -- times two! -- simply because you could light a match and both Ryuichi and Tatsuha would be on fire.

**Warnings:** Very few.

**Part:** Six

**Author's Note:** No one ever said true love was supposed to be sexy. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. That said, please enjoy the sixth part of this story! I worked extra-special hard on it just for all of you.

---

Eiri and Tatsuha packed Tatsuha's luggage into Eiri's car while Shuichi watched, fuming, from the doorway of the parking garage. Since they were going out anyway, Eiri had decided to drive Shuichi to the studio for work, so the ride there was rather uncomfortable. When Shuichi left, he leaned over to give Eiri a quick kiss on the cheek and frowned pointedly at Tatsuha, who took Shuichi's seat up front once the singer abandoned the vehicle. Eiri and Tatsuha waited in the parking lot for a moment, until Shuichi had actually entered the NG building, and then started the long drive to Kyoto.

Hardly five minutes passed before either spoke.

"Do you think Shuichi is right?" Tatsuha asked his brother at last.

Eiri shrugged and stopped the car at a red light. He took the chance to fiddle with the radio station. Shuichi had changed the station to some pop rock driven thing that Tatsuha had rather liked, but Eiri's taste in music differed drastically from that of his lover and brother. He played with the radio dial for a long while and then, finally, turned the radio off, apparently having decided it wasn't worth the trouble -- especially if Tatsuha was just going to talk over the music.

Tatsuha tried a different question. "Do you think I'm a coward?"

Eiri shrugged again.

Tatsuha chewed on his lip and glanced out the window. "Do you think I'm giving up on something that would make me really really happy?"

Eiri stared straight ahead at the light and tapped his fingers against the wheel. He didn't even shrug this time.

Tatsuha thought again. "Do you think I should try again?" he asked.

Eiri sighed. "Tatsuha?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop asking me these things," Eiri said, "and start asking them of yourself." The light turned green and Eiri pressed the gas. Tatsuha noticed absent-mindedly that Eiri was not going very fast at all, despite his usual driving habits. Tatsuha didn't mind; he had a great deal to think about.

Was Shuichi right? Was he a coward? Was he running away from a battle he might be able to win -- or at least a battle in which he might make some headway? Should he try again? Tatsuha thought about it. Yes. Yes yes yes...

Yes.

"Aniki?"

"Hm?"

Tatsuha hesitated for only a moment before he spoke. "I want to go back."

Eiri did not seem annoyed. In fact, he didn't even seem surprised. "Oh?"

"I want to go back and try again," Tatsuha said. "And don't 'oh' me. You know damn well what I'm talking about, you manipulative son of a bitch."

A small smile passed over Eiri's lips, but it faded quickly. That, Tatsuha knew, was Eiri-speak for something similar to 'Who, me?'. He ignored it.

"All right," Eiri said. "Where do you want to go?"

Tatsuha thought about that for a moment. "Back to NG?" he tried.

"Fine." Eiri U-turned in the middle of the street, expertly ignoring the startled and angry honks of car horns and screeching tires, and went back to NG Studio. Tatsuha sat at the edge of his seat the entire time. When they reached the building, Eiri flashed a pass at a security guard outside the main garage and parked quickly. Tatsuha nearly dove out of the car.

"Wait here?" Tatsuha asked, even as he was walking away. "If I'm not back in ten minutes, you can leave without me, okay?"

Eiri shrugged. "Whatever," he answered, and waved Tatsuha on. He had not even started to move from his seat, obviously deeming the trek from the parking garage to the studio and back to be far too tedious, so this arrangement seemed to suit him just fine.

The inside of NG Studio was just as he remembered. Everything was clean and airy. Snatches of jumbled songs could be heard in the lobby, punctuated by the occasional gunshots and screams from upstairs, where Tatsuha knew Bad Luck's private studio was located. The reception desk was hidden in away in what was practically a maze of walls and chairs, but those people who knew precisely where to find it -- like Tatsuha -- could do so with relative ease.

The woman behind the desk smiled at Tatsuha as he approached. "Uesugi-san," she chirped. "It's so very good to see you again."

Slightly taken aback, Tatsuha stared at the woman. He didn't remember having ever seen her before in his life. Was she on something? No. Couldn't be; she had known his name. He frowned. Did he know her?

"Are you here today for Shindou-san or Seguchi-san?" she continued, obviously unperturbed by Tatsuha's bewilderment.

Ha. Tatsuha got it now. He smirked and quickly turned his baffled expression into a smile. She thought he was Eiri.

"Actually," he drawled, trying his best to mimic his brother, "today I have business with Sakuma Ryuichi."

"I'm sorry, Uesugi-san," the receptionist said. She frowned in a way that showed she wasn't _really_ sorry, but she could pretend to be if that was the way Tatsuha wanted to interpret the expression.

"Why?" Tatsuha asked. He frowned.

"I don't believe Sakuma-san is in today," the woman explained cheerily.

"He's not?" Damn. That sounded far too childish. Tatsuha cleared his throat. "I mean... when do you think he'll next be in?"

"Oh, I really couldn't say," she answered. "Sakuma-san makes his own schedule, you know. He's only required to be here when the president asks him to be."

Of course. Tatsuha fought the urge to chew on his lower lip. Eiri would never chew on his lower lip. Not in public, anyway. "I see," he said.

"But if you'd like to leave a message with me, I can make sure it reaches him the next time he's in," the receptionist said.

"Huh? Oh. No. This is... more urgent than that." He frowned. "In that case, do you think you could give me his home address?"

The receptionist looked wary. Was she on to him? She had to be. Tatsuha cleared his throat again and tried to make himself look taller and blonder. It was difficult.

"I'm not supposed to give out addresses," she explained, half-apologetically. "If you want, though, I can call up to Seguchi-san's office and clear it with him, and then --"

"No!" Shit. Tatsuha tried again. "I need to speak to Sakuma-san on... a matter concerning Seguchi-san, actually," he lied. "It's..." He faltered.

"A surprise?" she supplied.

"Yes!" Tatsuha said quickly. "A surprise. If Tohma knew I was speaking with Sakuma-san, the surprise would be ruined, you see."

"Ohhhh." The receptionist tapped one long, manicured nail to her chin and paused, thinking. "Well, couldn't you just ask Mika-san for the address?"

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. Ummm... Tatsuha thought quickly. "She... It's a surprise for her, too!" he declared at last. "For both of them. It's... rather complicated."

"Really?"

"Of course," Tatsuha answered. Damn. He made a lousy Eiri impersonator.

"Well..." The woman seemed to think about it. "Okay, I guess. But you have to promise you'll keep it to yourself!"

Tatsuha smiled, trying not to look relieved. This woman was an angel. She was actually looking up and writing down Sakuma Ryuichi's home address, which she was going to give to him and --

"By the way," she said as she handed Tatsuha the slip of paper. "I think I preferred the blond look."

Tatsuha offered her a frozen smile and took the paper quickly. "Thanks," he said. He walked off with the paper slip clutched tightly in his hand and tried to look calm.

Bitch.

Back in the parking lot, Eiri was nursing a cigarette and standing outside the car, patiently waiting for Tatsuha to return. He gestured lazily with his free hand when Tatsuha approached.

"So?"

"I got an address," Tatsuha answered, holding up his new prize. "Think you can stand to give me a ride to one more place?"

Eiri nodded. "I think I can handle one more," he answered. He got back into the car and waited for Tatsuha to hop in as well. "Where to?"

Tatsuha read off the address. "Do you know where that is?"

"Sort of. I've been there once, but that was a while ago," Eiri answered. He moved his cigarette from his lips to his fingers and shrugged. "I'll find it," he finished, and he drove off, screeching out of the parking garage and down the busy streets of Tokyo.

It took a while, but the two did eventually find the building in question -- a small house in Higashi Kurume-shi. It was very small and plain, a white two-story surrounded by a stonewall. The wall was interrupted just in front of the driveway by a black gate, which had been left half-open. The garden in front of the house was not well maintained and was mostly dirt with a bit of green here and there. It looked very simple and struck Tatsuha as a complete about-face from the sleek and sophisticated apartment complex Ryuichi had lived in the last time Tatsuha was there.

Eiri parked in front of the gate. "You want me to wait again?"

Tatsuha shrugged and started to undo his seatbelt. "Just to see if he's here, I guess. If he doesn't answer, then we can drive back, but if he does you can just leave."

"You'll be all right on your own?" Eiri inquired. "I don't want a repeat of the other night, you understand. My credit cards can't take any more of your little adventures, and replacing the damn things is too much of a hassle."

"I'll avoid booze and handcuffs," Tatsuha promised. "If he answers, you can go. I'll probably feel like taking a walk once this is all over and done with anyway."

That was an urge Eiri understood. The blond nodded. "Don't do anything stupid," he ordered as Tatsuha got out of the car.

Tatsuha made a face and ignored his brother as he walked through the gate and made his way up the drive. Eiri stayed where he was, as instructed.

Tatsuha's hesitation at the door was very brief. He knocked loudly and waited. He fought the urge to bolt as the door opened...

...and Sakuma Ryuichi appeared.

Tatsuha vaguely heard the car engine gun behind him and heard Eiri drive away, but the sound was forced out of his mind as the man who had occupied Tatsuha's ever waking thought for years smiled at Tatsuha and stepped aside to let the teenager enter. He seemed a completely different person than the man who had led a model to dinner earlier in the week. He looked cheerful and pleasant and older than Tatsuha remembered, but he seemed genuinely happy to see Tatsuha and that was all that really mattered. Tatsuha stepped inside.

"I was hoping I'd get to see you," Ryuichi said happily. "Sorry I'm all gross looking, but Kumagoro and I were eating corn flakes by the TV and didn't know you were coming!"

Tatsuha tried not to falter. Sakuma Ryuichi, look gross? It was impossible. Tatsuha was sure of it. "That's... that's fine. Really. You look great."

Ryuichi beamed, but Tatsuha saw something gleam in the singer's eye. He dismissed it as a trick of the light.

"Do you want any corn flakes?" Ryuichi asked. "Kumagoro isn't really hungry today, so I don't think he'll mind sharing, na no da."

"Um... No, that's okay."

"Okay." Ryuichi's face looked a little different -- just a little bit more serious, perhaps, or older -- as he leaned in toward Tatsuha, although his expression changed only minutely and his voice dropped in pitch by only the slightest bit. Tatsuha recognized that expression. He tried not to let it shake him.

"Are you glad to see me?" Ryuichi asked. Then, almost as an after-thought, he added, "Na no da?"

Tatsuha gulped. "Yes," he replied in a throaty, nervous whisper. "But I wanted to --"

Ryuichi did not give Tatsuha the chance to finish. Ryuichi's hands were suddenly on him, feeling him and holding him. Tatsuha shuddered and leaned helplessly into the touches in spite of himself. His eyes slipped closed. This felt just as good -- better, even -- than he remembered. Ryuichi was everywhere at once, kissing and teasing every available inch of the younger man and toying with the unavailable bits as best he could. Tatsuha wasn't sure how Ryuichi was doing it. In order to do so many things to Tatsuha all at the same time, Ryuichi would have to have two million pairs of hands. Right?

Right.

Still, it was so very, very good.

"Sa... Sakuma-san..."

"Hm?"

The hands were relentless and seemed only to draw Tatsuha further in as the seconds -- the moments -- sluggishly trudged onward. Why had he come here? He couldn't remember. His mind was full of Ryuichi. His skin was ablaze with the heat of Ryuichi's touch. One fleeting kiss and Tatsuha's tongue tingled, salivating at the prospect of more. His heart thumped wildly and it was the only sound Tatsuha could hear. All he could see, all he could feel or taste or smell... Well, there was the faint smell and taste of the cornflakes Ryuichi and Kumagoro had been sharing earlier, but the only sensations Tatsuha really noticed came from Ryuichi. Ryuichi. Ryuichi. Ryuichi...

So when Ryuichi guided Tatsuha up the stairs, to the bedroom, corn flakes and Kumagoro temporarily forgotten, Tatsuha made no protest. Why should he? This was what he wanted, wasn't it? This was what he had dreamed of since he had first hit puberty, five or six years before.

Ryuichi's bedroom was just as Tatsuha remembered it, with the exception of the change of location, a bit more clutter, and a window with a much better view. The bedroom was still cramped. The same posters and pictures hung on the walls, although Tatsuha was almost sure there were more of them now than there had been a year before. Ryuichi still seemed to have a very extensive collection of dressers and nightstands, some of which were actually stacked one on top of the other in order to fit them all. Tatsuha still couldn't quite figure out why there were so many of the things, but his mind was busily working on other, more important matters, so he decided not to ask.

Ryuichi's bed was unmade and the covers were all falling off and spilling onto the floor. It was messy. The entire room was messy. Somehow, though, it seemed positively, absolutely, wonderfully perfect.

The bedsprings squealed as Ryuichi and Tatsuha fell to the bed, and the sound surprised Tatsuha enough to jar him partially out of his Ryuichi-induced fog. He took a quick, gasping breath and picked up on something.

A smell. A very distinct smell, in fact. Something flowery and heady that smelled a great deal like... like...

...like that of a woman's perfume.

Tatsuha bolted up and out of the bed. "No!"

"No?" Ryuichi looked puzzled, as though he had never been told 'no' before in his life. "What do you mean, no?"

"I didn't come here for this," Tatsuha said quickly. "I mean, it's nice and all, but I came here to ask you..."

"To ask me...?"

Tatsuha swallowed against the lump in his throat. "To ask you about that woman I saw you with. The model. The one you've been with since --"

"Since half a year ago," Ryuichi supplied. "What's the problem?" He notched a finger through the beltloop of Tatsuha's jeans and tried pulling the teenager closer. "She's just a friend. That's all."

"A friend you sleep with?" Tatsuha asked. He furrowed his brow. He hadn't come here to get laid, as nice a thought as that was, and he shouldn't have let his need to have Sakuma Ryuichi get in his way of asking what he had to ask and... and...

...and Ryuichi looked far too sexy for Tatsuha to complete that thought. What had he come here for again?

A flicker of surprise passed quickly over Ryuichi's face. "What makes you think I've slept with her?" he asked, and that snapped Tatsuha back into reality.

"I can smell her perfume," he said, voice quiet. The scent stabbed deeper into Tatsuha's heart than any knife ever could. Not only did Ryuichi have a girlfriend -- or at least a friend with humongous benefits -- but fate seemed determined to keep Tatsuha from forgetting it. He could never have Sakuma Ryuichi.

Ryuichi stared at Tatsuha for a moment and then sniffed the air. "Ohhh." He looked around, almost as if he were searching for other traces of the woman, and Tatsuha's eyes flicked from side to side in order to see whatever it was Ryuichi was looking for. There was nothing. At last, Ryuichi shrugged. "So what?" he asked. "She was only temporary, you know? I knew it'd be at least a year before I got to see you again. It's not like it was anything serious."

Tatsuha stared at Ryuichi. Not serious? He had to be joking. "You slept with her," he pointed out at last. "It had to be a little bit serious."

Ryuichi's eyes settled on the teenager and Tatsuha could see both an accusation and a question there. _Hypocrite_, that look said. _Why are you saying things like that to me? How many of your one-night-stands were 'serious'? You can't fool me. I know better than that._

That was different, Tatsuha argued silently. One-night-stands were just for a night. They were temporary relief. Just sex. Ryuichi had been in an actual relationship with this woman, so it couldn't possibly be just sex. Just sex never lasted that long. That meant it was serious, and that meant Ryuichi was unavailable -- even if the singer seemed determined to convince Tatsuha otherwise.

"I don't want her anymore," Ryuichi said at last as he tugged on the beltloop of Tatsuha's jeans again, coaxing Tatsuha back. And in spite of everything, Tatsuha almost complied. "Don't be so silly, Tatsuha-kun. You know you're the only one I want right now."

Right now? Why? So he could be tossed aside just like the model when someone new caught Ryuichi's eye? Tatsuha knew how that felt already. It was the same hollow feeling he had suffered through for most of the previous summer. It was that deep, soulful hurt that had driven him to leave the restaurant the other night and get himself handcuffed to a toilet. He didn't want to end up like that again.

It was going to be just like last summer all over again, wasn't it? It couldn't be. That didn't make sense. Yes, things had started out badly last year when their brief fling had gone wrong, Ryuichi had rejected him twice, but they had agreed, at the train station, that things would be better the next time they tried. They had promised to grow into the relationship. They had promised that they would try it for real and that it would _work_, because things... because things would change. But they hadn't, had they?

Maybe that was really the problem. Maybe... Maybe that was why Tatsuha's brain was screaming at him even though his heart -- and his libido -- was urging him to just go with it and press another kiss to Ryuichi's beautiful, perfect, breathtaking lips.

Maybe it was about time Tatsuha paid his brain the attention it deserved.

Tatsuha stepped back and away from the bed, out of Ryuichi's grasp. "Nothing has changed, has it?" he asked.

Ryuichi did not seem to understand for a moment. He watched Tatsuha for a long while and then, at last, shook his head. "No," he answered. "One thing changed."

"What was it, then?"

"You grew up," Ryuichi murmured, "and I just got older." He stood. "I'll call a taxi to take you home."

Tatsuha shook his head. "No thanks. I'll walk." He had been dismissed. He didn't need any pity on top of that. Pity only made the knife twist twice as hard.

"Do you know how to get home from here?"

Tatsuha hesitated. The answer to that was no; Tatsuha didn't have a clue how to get to Eiri's apartment even from places he knew relatively well. "I'll find it," he answered. That said, Tatsuha turned and showed himself out.

Ryuichi did not bother to try and stop him, and Tatsuha tried not to wish he had.

**--end part six--**

Higashi Kurume-shi: Metropolitan Tokyo includes twenty-six cities to the west of central Tokyo. Higashi Kurume-shi is one of these cities.


	7. Chapter 7

**Title:** Dizzy

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** So far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

**Blood Type:** Something flammable -- times two! -- simply because you could light a match and both Ryuichi and Tatsuha would be on fire.

**Warnings:** Very few.

**Part:** Seven

**Author's Note:** I love Tohma. I know a lot of people aren't overly fond of the man, given his unexplained fascination and adoration for Eiri, his sadistic tendencies, and his truly unique taste in clothing, but I do love him. Which isn't to say that I don't find Tohma creepy -- I do. How could you not? Because of that lovely conflict in his character, this chapter is dedicated to Tohma. And, you know, to anyone who bothers to read this disclaimer, since as much as I love Tohma, I adore you all even more. Honest. Even better? You're probably less likely to push me in front of a car (...because you're all far too original for that, right?).

**Note Edit:** Given recent circumstances in the real world, I am re-dedicating this chapter (and, really, this entire fic). This story is for Bates, who probably would cringe if he knew what I was writing about. We miss you, man.

---

After several hours of walking, Tatsuha eventually found the Seguchi estate. Tired, hungry, hot, and well aware that Eiri lived as far away from Tohma and Mika as he possibly could without leaving the Tokyo city limits, Tatsuha decided to take a break from his walk and knocked on the front door. The maid -- Tatsuha could never remember her name since he was always too horrified by the fact that they had a maid in the first place -- opened the door on the second knock. She seemed surprised to see him but got over it quickly.

"Uesugi-san," she murmured, dipping in a slight bow. Her long hair fell over her shoulders. "I did not know you were coming to visit today."

"Neither did I," Tatsuha answered. He stepped inside. If he could give the maid with no name the slip, he could sneak into the kitchen to refresh his energy supply, take a quick rest, and be back on his way. All he had to do was --

"Tatsuha-kun," said a voice from the stairwell. "What a pleasant surprise."

-- get past Tohma. Shit. That hadn't worked exactly as planned.

Tatsuha feigned a smile. "Hi! I was just... uh... on my way somewhere else and thought I'd pop in and say hello, so... hello!"

"Hello," Tohma answered. A smile quirked on his lips. "I thought you were still in Kyoto with your sister, else I would have come to visit you. You're staying with Eiri-san while you're here?"

There was no use lying about it. "Yes," Tatsuha admitted. Tohma came forward and took Tatsuha's arm, leading him out of the main hallway and into the depths of the Seguchi estate. Tatsuha resisted the urge to look around; he had not been in this place for years and didn't particularly want to look as though he were interested, for fear Tohma would notice and have him stay longer.

"I missed your graduation," Tohma said cheerily. "I'm sure you understand why. I was unavoidably detained. Business as usual, you see."

"Ahuh."

Tohma went on guiding Tatsuha deeper into the house. 'I'm sure you've heard it many times already, but congratulations. Mika-san told me you are the only one of the three of you to graduate high school." Tohma shook his head. "Amazing."

Tohma opened a door into a room that looked eerily similar to his office at NG Studio, except for a few extra homey touches. A large wooden desk sat in front of a large window with potted plants on either side. The walls were decorated with some framed, signed posters and a few simple pictures. There was a keyboard perched on a stand over in one corner of the room and opposite that, in the corner to Tatsuha's right as he walked into the room, there set a small couch with a few pillows and a blanket thrown over top of them. It was a nice room. Tatsuha was surprised by the lack of fire and brimstone.

Tohma sat in the black leather chair behind his desk and gestured for Tatsuha to sit in the office chair on the other side of the wooden barrier. Tatsuha didn't dare do otherwise.

"Since you're in Tokyo, would it be safe to assume you have discovered Sakuma-san's new... friend?" Tohma asked, his hands folded serenely on the desk in front of him.

"The model?"

"Alison, yes," Tohma said. He stumbled over the syllables of the model's name just slightly. "She's a lovely woman, as I'm sure you've realized."

Tatsuha nodded sullenly. He had a feeling he knew where this was going.

"I guess you're going to warn me to keep away from the happy couple, huh?" Tatsuha asked. "You don't want me to get in the way."

"Actually, I --"

"Well, you don't have anything to worry about," Tatsuha interrupted. "I'm not going to waste my time on that. I've got to grow up and let the dream die, right? Sakuma Ryuichi and I don't want the same things and so it's better for everyone if I let him stay with the model toys and go back to Kyoto and pretend I never even heard of him. I know that would be better, even --"

"Tatsuha-kun."

"-- if I don't want it to be true and I think I'll be miserable and --"

"Tatsuha-kun."

"-- and I don't really think that he's happy with who he is when he's with her and --"

"Tatsuha-kun!"

Tatsuha stopped and frowned. "What?"

Tohma quirked an eyebrow. "I was actually going to tell you I don't believe Alison is good for Ryuichi and perhaps imply that you should make an attempt at breaking the two apart, in exchange for my not meddling in your affairs now or in the future," Tohma said. "I would have considered it a favor."

"Oh."

"I'm almost relieved to be able to say that bluntly," Tohma said cheerfully, leaning forward to prop his elbows up on the desk and clasp his hands together under his chin. "It's quite a change from the normal procedure."

Tatsuha was quiet for a moment. "You want me to get together with Sakuma-san? You actually _want_ me to do it?"

"It's unusual, I know," Tohma said. "Useless, I suppose, since you already decided to let that dream of yours go. I wasn't expecting you to give up so easily."

Tatsuha stayed quiet.

"You have been obsessed with Ryuichi-san since you were a child," Tohma mused. "Now you have a chance at getting him and you turn your nose up at it. Why is that?"

"It's none of your business," Tatsuha snapped.

"Of course it isn't," Tohma agreed. "Forgive my curiosity, will you?"

Tatsuha offered his brother-in-law a stony silence.

"I see." Tohma answered the silence with a wry smile. "May I offer a few theories of my own, since you don't care to answer my questions?"

"Knock yourself out."

Tohma nodded and settled back in his chair. "Perhaps," he began, carefully deliberating each word, "you think Ryuichi-san less appealing now that the only obstacle between you is a woman?"

Tatsuha balked, just slightly. "Of course not!"

"No?" Tohma asked. He nodded. "All right. Then perhaps you don't want the woman hurt during the inevitable breakup, but I doubt that." Tohma paused and considered Tatsuha. "No, I know what it is." He leaned forward again. "You think you'll be at his beck and call, at least until he grows bored with you and your company. Then you believe he will find someone new and you'll be tossed aside and forgotten." Tohma's smile never wavered. "Am I right?"

Tatsuha tried not to cringe, but Tohma spotted something -- the slight surprise in Tatsuha's eyes, perhaps, or some new tightness in his stance -- and nodded his head once.

"I _am_ right," Tohma said, nodding his head. "I thought I was."

Tatsuha said nothing.

Tohma sighed. "I knew it. Why is it that everyone about to get into a relationship with a celebrity thinks too much about his -- or her -- situation?"

"What do you mean?" Tatsuha asked, curious in spite of himself.

"Your suspicions are hardly new ones," Tohma said. "I've heard them before -- from you, from your sister, from Ukai-san, and many, many others. In some instances, that suspicion proves to be true. There are a few celebrities who throw away people as though they were nothing. Conversely, in other cases the celebrities realize that they are just as human as the other party in question and do no such thing. It's a risk people take when they get involved with someone a little bit famous." Tohma's lips quirked. "For that matter, it's a risk everyone takes upon beginning any new relationship. You --"

Tatsuha started to say something, but Tohma quickly cut him off.

"You are right to suspect that Ryuichi-san may toy with you and then toss you aside," Tohma said. "But, taking both his history and your own into consideration, I think your track record is far more worrisome than his. Perhaps he has more right to be concerned than you do."

"He put you up to this," Tatsuha accused. "He tells you everything, doesn't he? He must have called you after I left and --"

"You are a very suspicious person, Tatsuha-kun." Tohma pressed his lips into a thin line and offered Tatsuha a vague smile. "I assure you that I have not spoken to Ryuichi-san since yesterday morning, but I'm sure you don't believe that, either."

Tatsuha frowned. "So then why are you saying all of this?"

Tohma shook his head. "Whether you believe it or not," he said, "I care a great deal about the happiness of my family -- and that does indeed include you." He stood. "We're done here, I suppose. I'll call someone to take you back to Eiri-san's apartment."

All of this seemed very strange. Tohma didn't simply come out and say things like this. Tatsuha never ever listened to Tohma's advice. It just didn't happen.

Tatsuha frowned. "You don't like me," he said softly. He did not stand. "You've never liked me, and I don't think you give a damn about how happy I am. Why are you trying to get me to go back to Sakuma-san?"

Tohma was quiet for a moment. "Very well. I suppose you deserve an honest answer." He sighed. "To be perfectly frank, I think Ryuichi-san needs someone like you."

"No, he doesn't."

Tohma frowned. "You didn't see him a year ago, when you chose to go to school instead of stay here with him. You aren't like the lovers Ryuichi-san throws away or the ones who let him get away with anything and give him everything because he is who he is. I myself am guilty of allowing him more leeway than he should have, as is Noriko-san. You don't indulge him, Tatsuha-kun, and he needs that lack of lenience from _someone_. That's what I believe." He settled his gaze on Tatsuha. "Do you understand?"

Tatsuha didn't answer. Tohma's words echoed Ukai Noriko's speech from last summer. It was creepy, in a way, and it was confusing and Tatsuha didn't understand it all for even a moment. He wasn't sure he wanted to. Both Noriko and Tohma thought Ryuichi needed him. If that was true, then why did Tatsuha feel like he was a subject to the singer's whims? Both Noriko and Tohma said he would be good for Ryuichi. Why did no one wonder if Ryuichi would be good for him?

Tohma walked over to the office door and opened it. "I'll show you out."

"Don't bother," Tatsuha said. "You've probably got tons of work to do and stuff. I'll find my own way out."

"Very well. I'll call downstairs and have a car waiting outside to --"

"I'll walk," Tatsuha interrupted. "I can find my way around just fine."

"It's a very long walk," Tohma pointed out. "It would be better if you took the car."

"I have some stuff to think about. I'll walk."

Tohma smiled again. "You can think in the car, I promise. I'll even tell the drive to go very slowly simply for your benefit."

Any argument Tatsuha could possibly give would be wasted on Tohma. Tatsuha sighed and gave in. "All right. I'll take the car."

"Good," Tohma said. "Go on out. The car will be there when you get to the door."

It was, too, and Tatsuha found that he wasn't at all surprised. The driver never spoke to Tatsuha, either, and simply drove -- slowly -- and let him off once they reached Eiri's apartment. Then, without a word, he drove away. It didn't give Tatsuha a great deal of time to think, but that was all right. He wanted to talk to Shuichi, anyway.

When Tatsuha got up to the apartment, he saw Eiri first. The writer was reading a book on the couch and didn't even look up when Tatsuha came in.

"Hi," Tatsuha said.

"Mmhm."

Tatsuha paused to kick off his shoes. "Is Shuichi back yet?"

"Mmhm."

"Where is he?"

"In the music room," Eiri said. "But you don't want to go in there right now."

Tatsuha paused. "Why not?"

"Because he has a friend over."

Tatsuha stopped dead in the middle of the hallway. "Sakuma-san?"

"The one and only." Eiri put down his book and turned toward Tatsuha. "I take it things didn't go so well?"

"No," Tatsuha answered. "Things didn't go so well."

Eiri nodded. "I thought not." He twisted back and picked his book up again. "You can still bail if you want to before they come back out. You could go see a movie. One with lots of blood and a few explosions, just as you like them. On me."

Tatsuha frowned. He didn't like movies with guns and explosions and Eiri knew it; the loud noises always made him jumpy. Still, he appreciated the thought, and... Well, he couldn't deal with Sakuma Ryuichi just yet.

"Yeah," he said. "Okay."

Eiri nodded. "My wallet is on the kitchen counter," he said. "Take some cash and go." He turned a page in his book. "Just be back by seven-thirty. The brat has every intention of dragging you to that party tonight, because I refuse to go."

"What?" Tatsuha turned on his heel and stared at Eiri. "I can't go to that."

Eiri shrugged. "He won't go alone."

"So you go with him!" Tatsuha insisted.

Eiri shook his head. "I have work to do."

"So do it now," Tatsuha snapped.

"Can't," Eiri said. "Busy."

Tatsuha scowled. Eiri could be such an asshole. There would be way too many people from NG at K's party, and there was a possibility -- a really good possibility -- that Tatsuha would run into someone he did not want to run into. The secretary from this morning. Tohma. Or worse -- Sakuma Ryuichi.

"Freak," he muttered, and went to the kitchen.

Eiri's wallet, a battered and ripped leather monstrosity that was almost as old as Tatsuha (Eiri had carried it around for longer than Tatsuha could remember, and the blond swore it had been delivered to him in a dream by one of the koi in the temple pond), was on the counter next to the newly replaced coffee maker. Tatsuha unfolded it and removed enough yen to have a fairly nice evening, slipped the money in his pocket, and then went back to the living room. He knocked on Eiri's head and his brother swatted at him.

"I'm going now," Tatsuha said, slipping on his shoes. "I'll be back later."

"Seven-thirty," Eiri reminded him.

Tatsuha paused and bit the inside of his cheek. Then he nodded. "Yeah," he repeated. "Seven-thirty." Or something. If he wasn't back by then, what was Eiri going to do? He was his brother, not his father, and it wasn't as though Eiri could set a curfew or anything. The elder brother would just have to suck it up and go to the party with Shuichi like a good boyfriend should. End of story. He reached out to grasp the doorknob. Just as he was about to open the door, Eiri cleared his throat.

"You've got to talk to him sometime," the blond pointed out.

Tatsuha sighed. He knew that. Shuichi would kill him if he tried to run away without talking to Ryuichi, and then Tatsuha would wonder for the rest of his life about what _would_ have happened. He couldn't have that. If he did end up going to the party with Shuichi, for one reason or another, he would have to spend the evening wishing he didn't exist and avoiding anyone who might recognize him.

Hell. Settling this now, in a more-or-less private setting, would have to be better than facing Ryuichi in a crowded room full of strangers. Right? Right. Of course. So...

"You know," Tatsuha began, taking his hand away from the doorknob and taking a step back, "on second thought? I'll think I'll just stay in today."

Eiri frowned. "You're sure? It's a great day for a movie."

"I'm sure," Tatsuha said. He turned around and tried a smile.

Eiri didn't buy it. "You're positive?"

"I think it'll be okay," Tatsuha insisted. "Besides, there aren't any good movies like that out right now."

Eiri frowned momentarily but then shrugged. "Whatever you say."

Tatsuha ignored Eiri and returned the elder's wallet to the kitchen counter. Then, after a moment of hesitation, he went to the music room and stood in front of the door. He could do this. He could do this. He could...

Gathering up the remains of his courage, Tatsuha took a deep breath and opened the door to Shuichi's music room.

**---end part seven---**


	8. Chapter 8

**Title:** Dizzy

**Author:** Hawk Clowd

**Disclaimer:** So far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

**Blood Type:** Something flammable -- times two! -- simply because you could light a match and both Ryuichi and Tatsuha would be on fire.

**Warnings:** Very few.

**Part:** Eight.

**Author's Note:** Ladies and gentlemen, I present... the end. Many thanks go out to Aja, who was a fantastic beta reader throughout this whole shebang. Her input helped make "Dizzy" the monster it is, and I honestly couldn't have done it without her. Thank you, Aja. Also, thanks go out to all you lovely readers. I don't know many of you, but I appreciate everyone putting up with me despite my late updates, complaints, and other such hassles. You are all wonderful. Don't forget that. And, to close, this story is dedicated to Bates. May he be happy and find the answers he was looking for!

---

Shuichi's music room was arguably the cleanest room in the entire apartment, at least under normal circumstances. Tatsuha had been shocked at the near spotlessness of the room when he had first seen it, and Eiri had grunted to say that he didn't quite believe it, either. Shuichi only laughed and swore that even he could be neat and tidy when the need called for it. Whatever that meant.

The room had a computer set up on a table in the corner and a keyboard next to that, set up so it was easy to hook up to the computer for editing and saving purposes. There was a bookshelf against the opposite wall, and it was about half full of notebooks and music texts Shuichi used for reference. A few posters of various bands were on the wall -- all signed, of course -- and Shuichi had somehow purloined the plaque given to Bad Luck when their first album went platinum; he had hung it proudly on the wall directly opposite of the door, so it was the first thing a person would see when he or she walked inside the music room.

In the middle of the floor were two beanbag chairs, one blue and one orange. In those two chairs sat Shuichi and Ryuichi. A small collection of beer bottles lay on the floor at Ryuichi's feet and two or three empty bottles rested by the beanbag chair in which Shuichi sat. Ryuichi had one bottle, about three-fourths of the way empty, in one hand, and was loosely holding onto Kumagoro with the other hand.

Shuichi and Ryuichi both stared at Tatsuha when he walked inside, and Tatsuha was struck dumb for almost a full minute. Then, finally, he cleared his throat.

"Um," he said. "Hi."

Shuichi immediately started to chatter nervously. "Tatsuha! Tatsuha, you should... Have a beer!" he cried, throwing himself out of his beanbag chair. "Sakuma-san and I weren't talking about anything to do with you, I promise, we were just talking about --"

"Music," Ryuichi supplied.

"Music," Shuichi agreed. "And... and... and about other things! Like, um..."

"More music," Ryuichi said.

"Right, more music. And I --"

"Was just leaving," Tatsuha said. It had, after all, worked for Ryuichi.

"Yeah, I was just... What?"

Tatsuha glanced at Ryuichi and met his gaze almost entirely by accident. He held it. "You were just leaving, Shuichi. Because Sakuma-san and I need to talk about something really, really important. In private."

"But --"

Ryuichi tightened his grip on Kumagoro. "He's right," he said. His voice sounded cheerful, but his face did not quite match; his lips were twisted in a painful smile and his eyes were open just a little too wide to be natural. "We have lots to talk about."

Shuichi chewed on his lower lip and looked from Tatsuha to Ryuichi and back again. "But... I should really..."

"Lots to talk about," Ryuichi said again, glancing momentarily at the younger singer before he went back to staring at Tatsuha. "Tatsuha-kun always has lots to say to me."

"Yeah, but..." Shuichi shifted on the balls of his feet and then finally conceded. "Well, okay, but you just pop your head out and yell if you need anything or if --"

"We'll be fine," Tatsuha assured Shuichi.

Shuichi mewled once and then left the room, shutting the door behind him. Neither Tatsuha nor Ryuichi said anything for several minutes, so Tatsuha used the silence to think for a moment and collect his thoughts. This time he wouldn't let himself get caught up in Ryuichi's spell. This time it would be different. This time... This time he would be able to say no and mean it. Yeah. Of course he would.

Tatsuha cleared his throat. "Saku --"

"Sit down," Ryuichi said, nodding to the beanbag chair Shuichi had recently abandoned.

Tatsuha made a step forward before his brain caught up and he stopped himself. Sitting in the chair meant he would be closer to Ryuichi, and he wasn't sure he could be quite that strong. He shook his head. "I'd rather stand for now."

Ryuichi shrugged. "Okay."

Tatsuha was quiet for a long moment. He couldn't do this. If he tried saying what he needed to say, Ryuichi would just put him back under that spell of his and draw him away from his point. Not that being under Ryuichi's spell was a wholly bad thing. Still...

He had to do this. Had to. Now it was just a matter of getting up the nerve to do so.

Ryuichi brought his beer bottle back to his lips and eyed Tatsuha while he drank from it. He was being careful, Tatsuha noted, not to make the first move. Why? Was he afraid Tatsuha would run away? Or had he finally learned from his previous mistakes not to be so overwhelming? Or was Tatsuha just imagining things?

Tatsuha shifted nervously on the balls of his feet. Okay. He would start with little things first. Little things. Little things like... He chewed the inside of his cheek. This was not supposed to be this hard.

"I talked to Tohma today," he said at last. "After I left your place."

Ryuichi frowned and held his bottle by the neck. "Tohma shouldn't put his nose into other people's business. Don't listen to him." There were no traces of silliness or youthfulness in his face anymore. Suddenly Tatsuha could see trace wrinkles around Ryuichi's eyes and deep lines etched into the singer's face. It bothered Tatsuha, simply because the sudden transformation was so unsettling, but he pressed on.

"Actually," Tatsuha said, "he made some good points."

"You're joking."

Tatsuha laughed in spite of himself. "Just some," he said. "But I think I caught him off guard. He made this funny chipmunk face and..." He was getting off the subject. He steeled himself. "Look, my point is... Well, you're an asshole."

Ryuichi drew back a bit. "What?"

Tatsuha took a deep breath. "You're an asshole," he said again. He sighed, relieved. It was good to get that off of his chest.

Ryuichi gaped.

Tatsuha nodded. "We're only supposed to be 'just friends' now, remember? I've been thinking about this since earlier. When I left last year, we agreed we would send messages back and forth and we would start as friends. That was it." He notched his thumbs in his pants pockets. "And maybe we're both assholes, because I know when I first got here I wasn't interested in being 'just friends' anymore, either, but that's where we agreed we were supposed go with things and that's where we should go with it."

Ryuichi frowned. "You don't actually want to be nothing but friends," he accused.

"I know," Tatsuha said. "But I don't want... Look, I like you. It's not much of a confession, I know, and it's not exactly news, but it's true. I've wanted to meet you since I was four and I think I've been dreaming of you since I was eleven. There were -- and still are -- posters of you and Nittle Grasper all over my room. It used to drive Eiri crazy because he shared a room for a few years. People tell me I've been obsessed with you since I was a little kid, but you already knew that. So yes, I like you. Or I like the person I thought you were -- the one whose posters I put up on my wall and whose interviews and stuff I listened to religiously."

"But I'm --"

Tatsuha held up a hand. "I know. You and the guy I idolized aren't the same person. Well, you are, but at the same time you're not. We went over this last summer. The problem is -- I think -- that I don't know the you who is really you. Not very well, anyway. And I kind of think I should. You know, just in case."

"Just in case of what?" Ryuichi asked. He was still eyeing Tatsuha, but his face did not reveal anything. Was he relieved? Angry? Confused? Annoyed? Tatsuha wasn't sure he was making a great deal of sense, but Ryuichi's expression did not hint one way or the other. Did he or didn't he understand?

Tatsuha hesitated. "Just in case I do want to be more than 'just friends' with you." He bit his the inside of his cheek for a second and then licked his lips. "You understand?"

"You don't want to be a plaything because you actually want to get to know me before you pursue a relationship," Ryuichi said. "In case I break your heart. Right?"

How was it that Ryuichi could take everything Tatsuha had said and condense it into one or two easy sentences? He was like Eiri that way, and Tatsuha almost let that bother him.

He nodded. "More or less, yeah." Tatsuha paused and then quickly went on again. "And it works both ways, too! So you'll get to know me really well and know if you really want to be more than friends before we do start sleeping with each other. Then you'll know whether or not it's worth letting me break your heart. Or hurt you. Or whatever."

Ryuichi frowned. "What really makes you think all that is going to make a difference?"

"I..."

Ryuichi shook his head and pointed to the still-open beanbag chair. "Sit down."

This time, Tatsuha did as he was told, and he waited. Ryuichi studied Tatsuha for a few moments, his eyes sharp and critical. For a moment the younger man did not think Ryuichi would say anything but, just as Tatsuha began trying to think of a way to change the subject, Ryuichi opened his mouth to speak.

"Have you ever had the feeling," Ryuichi began, "that everything that's going on is really just a dream?"

Tatsuha studied Ryuichi carefully. "Only when I'm sleeping," he answered.

Ryuichi ignored him. "Sometimes, right in the middle of ordinary things, I get this weird humming noise in my head." He made a few small, tiny hand gestures to illustrate this, mostly spinning his fingers around his head. "And everything glows a little around the edges. It happens a lot when I'm on stage. I feel like I'm the only person alive and everything else is just a figment of my imagination." He paused. "It's not a bad feeling, but sometimes it's a little... scary, you know? It makes me feel like nothing in the world can touch me and when it's done I come crashing back. You get it?"

"Not really," Tatsuha answered honestly. "Maybe it's something you have to go through to really understand."

"No," Ryuichi said, shaking his head. "Because I don't get it either."

"Oh." Tatsuha idly scratched his wrist. He didn't see how Ryuichi's dream-speech was at all relevant to their own situation or to anything that had happened to them over the course of the day, but that didn't worry him too much. He didn't know what to do from here, so maybe it was better to let this happen a little more naturally. If Ryuichi wanted to talk about the weather, Tatsuha wasn't about to stop him.

"It's like any high, I guess," Ryuichi mused. "Did you ever do drugs? I did them a few times right before I turned twenty. They aren't worth it. I mean, I thought they were at the time, and sometimes I still think they were, but they really weren't. Aren't. You know what I mean."

Still, Shuichi was bound to come back into the room eventually, and they should try to resolve this as quickly as they could, right? Right. So...

"Sakuma-san, I --"

Ryuichi frowned and Tatsuha stopped talking. Shit. He was doomed. Ryuichi had already caught him back under that spell and he wasn't going to be able to do anything about it and then... And then what? Tatsuha chewed on his lower lip. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do from here, or what was going on. Now what? He shifted awkwardly in the beanbag chair and the chair moved beneath him. His stomach lurched.

"You surprise me all the time," Ryuichi said. He seemed stunned by his own words. "Not a lot of people can do that anymore, but not a lot of people can treat me like a person anymore, either." He shook his head. "You, though. You don't even care when I tell you I have to dye my hair to keep the grays from showing or that I layer on makeup to hide my wrinkles. I'm twice your age and you don't care, even though I don't act like an idiot around you. Often."

Tatsuha started to say something, but stopped himself.

Ryuichi went on. "And you know why I do it all, too -- I told you why last summer. But you still..." He ran a hand through his hair. "All that stuff I was saying about the dreams? Well, you sometimes make me feel that way but without all the scary parts. S'like you keep me grounded. That's one reason why I like you -- I like the person I am when you're around, because that person doesn't have to hide all the time. You know?"

"And that's why you keep playing with me like this?" Tatsuha asked.

"Kind of," Ryuichi said. He shrugged. "Not exactly. I'm selfish. You're cute. And I like you." He folded his hands over Kumagoro's chest and half-closed his eyes. "I have to keep playing or else you're going to lose interest."

Tatsuha paused a moment to digest that information. "Who told you that?" he asked.

"No one had to." Ryuichi frowned. "I know enough about you from the stories Tohma tells to know that you take after your brother. The sleeping around thing, I mean. You don't hang around for relationships. You flit back and forth between people and beds and all of that. So that must mean you get bored easy." He quirked an eyebrow. "Right?"

Tatsuha had never thought of it that way before, but Ryuichi had a point. He slept with all sorts of women and men just because he quickly grew tired of that kind of thing, and he hadn't exactly been chaste the entire year since he had left Tokyo the previous summer. He didn't like it and he wanted desperately to defend himself, but he wasn't sure he could. Ryuichi was right, and he had been a little hypocritical so far as Ryuichi's girlfriend was concerned. He hesitated and then, finally, nodded. "I guess so."

Ryuichi nodded. "Thought so." He relaxed into the beanbag chair. "And I didn't want you to know it bugged me, y'know? So I got Alison. The model."

Ah. Yeah. That had been Tatsuha's next question -- or it had been before Ryuichi had pointed out that Tatsuha had yet to give up his licentious habits. He squirmed a little in the beanbag chair. "And how exactly do you feel about her?"

Ryuichi frowned. "Alison -- that's her name -- is great and she's my friend. Using her to get to you was... probably a really bad idea."

Tatsuha frowned at Ryuichi. "You were using her to get to me?"

Ryuichi suddenly looked timid and uncertain -- he reminded Tatsuha of a small child. "I kept hearing about all those girlfriends and stuff you had from Tohma and Mika-san and Shuichi and it bothered me, so I wanted to bother you, too." He glanced surreptitiously at Tatsuha. "Did it work?"

"Maybe." It still wasn't fair, what Ryuichi had done -- not to him or to Alison or to anyone -- but Tatsuha smiled anyway. Ryuichi returned it.

So now what? Tatsuha considered that. What did this make them? It should not have been such a difficult question to answer.

Tatsuha hesitated. "Friends?" he suggested.

Ryuichi nodded. "Sure." He paused a moment and then leaned in confidentially, his expression both determined and mischievous. "I wouldn't count on it staying that way for too long, though."

Tatsuha was momentarily taken aback, but he got over it quickly. "We'll see," he said. Despite his lustier inclinations, they were going to work this one at his pace. Something a little slower than normal, too. Maybe. Although going slower would certainly be easier if Ryuichi would stop giving him that sexy come-hither look.

"Should we kiss and make up?" Ryuichi asked in a low voice.

Tatsuha pretended to consider that. "I think we should," he agreed. Okay, he had never been very good at 'slow'.

Ryuichi climbed out of his beanbag chair, leaving Kumagoro behind to play voyeur, and knelt in front of Tatsuha, who leaned forward and closed the distance between their lips. It was a slow and careful kiss that quickly became less than chaste. As the kiss deepened, Ryuichi moved closer, guided by Tatsuha, until the singer was perched overtop of Tatsuha, leaning over him. Tatsuha ran his hand down the knobs of Ryuichi's spine and pressed against the small of Ryuichi's back. Tatsuha seriously considered letting his libido take over, but decided against it and, at last, pulled away from the kiss.

"Friends," he reminded Ryuichi.

Ryuichi nodded. "Friends who kiss," he agreed. "And maybe more later on?"

Tatsuha nodded. "We'll find out." He smiled again.

Ryuichi grinned and stood up, holding out a hand to help Tatsuha to his feet. "So," he began, "there's going to be this party tonight at K-san's house. You wanna go with me?" He glanced sideways at the teenager. "As friends who kiss?"

Tatsuha nodded. "Sure," he answered. What could one party hurt?

Besides, he and Ryuichi still had plenty of time to figure out where they were going and how to deal with each other before Tatsuha went home to Kyoto. Maybe Ryuichi didn't quite love him, but at least he had at least guaranteed Ryuichi as a friend, and that was almost as good.

**---the end---**


End file.
